2003-09-23
Anyone who has been here recently would know I had a post yesterday. I deleted it. Why? Because it had a huge portion of my blog story on it, and I didn't want too much repetition in the story.
Yes, the Day in the Life of Trigun is finally finished. Didn't turn out exactly as I had planned. It goes from funny to serious to stupid to long to funny to finished. Secondly, I only made a passing reference to Lynnsey and didn't mention Tannis at all in my story. I was planning to, and feel severly bad that I didn't. The thing is, it didn't quite fit in when all was said and done. Plus, I'm getting kinda tired of writing this. I really wanted to finish tonight. I didn't know how I was going to fit in what I had been planning with those two.
No... not that. Get your mind out of the gutter.
At any rate... here it is!! (Drumroll please...)
A DAY IN THE LIFE OF TRIGUN
Once upon a time, I was a cartoon character. Not just any cartoon character, I was an anime version of myself. Which meant I had HUGE fricken' eyes. I don't know exactly how this happened, but I was just going to go with it.
So I was walking along by my anime-self, sorta wondering how to get back to reality-land and if I even wanted to. But mostly I was thinking ‘Ooooh... cartoony goodness‘. Indeed, being in a living cartoon was neat in a trippy sorta way. I spent about an hour doing this (hence, leaving me with only 23 hours left to go. Hm... where the heck did that thought come from?) before I finally realised that I should at least be questioning why and how I had become an anime character.
“Wait a second!!” I exclaimed, stopping suddenly in the middle of the sidewalk. This caused several people behind me to plough into me. They then proceeded to stumble and fall. Then they all glared at me anime-style. I blushed and apologized profusely, all the while trying not to laugh at how funny their faces were. Then I remembered that I had had a thought. Possibly a pertinent one. What are the odds?!?
Finally I looked up at the sky - (Why, I don’t exactly know. I guess I liked the dramatic effect) - and asked of no one in particular “Why am I an anime character and how did this happen??”
“KARMA!!” boomed a somewhat familiar, disembodied voice.
“Huh?!?”
“YOU DID NOT DO THE TANNIS_TANCHI BLOG COMPETITION IN TIME. THEREFORE YOUR PENNANCE IS TO ACTUALLY SPEND A DAY INSIDE AN ANIME STORYLINE AND SUFFER!!!!”
“Huh. Well, I guess that’s fair... except not.” I scratched my head. “Is this God?”
There was a short pause, followed by a booming “YES, IT IS.”
“Huh. That’s strange. ‘Cause you see, you sound kind of like my friend Carla.”
Longer pause. “MERELY COENCIENDENTAL, I ASSURE YOU.”
I frowned, placing my hands on my hips. “You’re not God!! It’s Carla, isn’t it.”
Pause. “Well, yes,” she admitted in her normal voice. “But I’m so darned close to being God that I didn’t think anyone would notice.”
“Good point. But I saw through your dastardly charade,” I exclaimed, as I puffed myself up with pride. (And then had a very odd mental image of me being attached to a cylinder marked ‘PRIDE’ and being blown up like a balloon. Note to self, lay off the Amoxicillin.)
“Well played, Beauchemin, well played,” Carla conceded, blissfully oblivious to the odd Theresa-balloon image I’d just had.
“Uh... so I know the why... but the question remains: HOW did you guys get me into an anime?”
“Tannis and Lynnsey helped.”
“Uh... that still doesn’t answer my question...”
“NO MORE QUESTIONS!!!” Carla thundered.
“Uh okay,” I said meekly, cowering behind that black cat that shows up in every Trigun episode. “Actually, I have just one more.”
“SIGH! Fine, what is it?”
“I know this is only going to last 24 hours. How much time to I have left?”
“Exactly 23 hours.”
“Wait a sec!! I had slightly less than 23 hours to go before this conversation even started!! How does that work?”
Carla paused, and I could just picture the smug smile on her face as she stated gleefully “I froze time. Tee hee! I mean, this would be a really boring story if you spent most of it arguing with me. Which, you do realise, that you could have made everything so much better if you hadn’t made me just a disembodied voice. That way, people could see the wonderfulness that is me.”
“Wonderfulness my butt. I didn’t want the judges to run away screaming at the crippling mental images that describing your face would invoke!” I shot back.
“I hate you.”
“Feeling’s mutual, disembodied Carla!!” I shouted, shaking my fist at the sky.
“Excrement,” she exclaimed. “Well, I’m going now.”
“But I’m not finished telling you off!!” I screamed. Then I noticed that time had unfrozen, and people were staring at me. I blushed once more then whirled around, intent on getting away from there as fast as possible. It would have been a great plan, except I ran full-force into someone.
“AHH!!” I said
“AIIEE!!” the person said. And then we both ended up sprawled on the sidewalk in a tangle of limbs. Unfortunately for me, I ended up on the bottom of this particular tangle of limbs, and my fellow tanglee was rather, okay, VERY heavy.
I somehow managed to squirm my way out from underneath the other person, looked down and realised that a can of Pepsi they had been carrying spilled, drenching the legs of my jeans. “Uh, I’m really sorry about that,” I stammered as I got to my feet. “And I’m really sorry that I spilled your Pepsi. Maybe I can get you a new one... AHHH! IT’S JABBA THE HUTT!!” I screamed when I finally saw who I’d ran into.
“That’s okay. It’s not a Pepsi,” he rumbled. “It’s a PEPSI TWIST!!” he exclaimed as he unzipped the cover of the can to reveal it’s true label. “And I’m not Jabba the Hutt,” he continued. Then pulled down a zipper on the front of his body, er, suit. “I’m Jackie Chan!!”
“Oh... my... GOD!!!” I screeched, two seconds before I glomped him. “It’s Jackie Chan!! Wait ‘til I tell Lynnsey... she’ll be so jealous!” Then Jackie laughed his manly laugh and hugged me back. “You... are... a... god!” I crooned.
“Ha ha ha! I know I am,” he exclaimed. “But I gotta run now. Bye!” Then he waved quickly and ran away. Off to save the world, I assume.
“Wow!” I sighed. Then I turned around and ran smack dab into someone else.
“AHH!” I said.
“AIIEE!!” the person said (wow, deja vu). And somehow I fell flat on my face. “Sorry,” I mumbled to the person while my face was still planted into the ground. So far, this was not shaping up to be a good day.
“I’m so sorry, miss. Let me help you up. OH! You saved my DONUTS! Thank you so much!” the person exclaimed. And sure enough, I was holding a brown paper bag (filled with donuts, I assume) in my hands. I seemed to have somehow, miraculously caught it before it could hit the ground.
“Er, no problem,” I stammered, confused. The person helped me to my feet and promptly glomped me. I assumed they did so simply out of sheer joy that their precious donuts had been rescued. But seeing as they were much taller than me (my face just reached their chest), they could have also been trying to kill me by asphyxiation. “Can’t... breath...” I gasped after a few seconds.
“Oh, sorry! But THANK YOU for saving the donuts!!” he exclaimed. Then I realized that, as per the Tannis_Tachi blog competition, I get to have a super power!! Maybe I have super reflexes, which allowed me to catch the donuts! Nah, that can’t be it. If I did have super reflexes, I wouldn’t keep running into people. But anyways, enough with thinking. I’m not that good at it anyways.
“Well, I guess I should be going mister…” then I looked up at the person (way up, for he was really tall). “Oh my god… You’re Vash the Stampede!”
“Uh… no I’m not,” he stammered, slightly panicked. “I’m, uh… I’m…”
“Oh, it’s okay. I’m not after the bounty money,” I explained quickly, trying to calm him down and make him not run away. “I just, um, I kinda don’t know how to say this...” He just stared down at me while I tried to think of a plausible explanation. “Well, I guess you could say I’m kind of a groupie.”
“A groupie??” he asked, a slight smile forming on his face. And he actually blushed a tiny bit. It was so cute, I just had to smile back. And then I had to mentally chant He’s a cartoon character for goodness’ sake! These are really really wrong thoughts to be having. Unless you’re Lynnsey. Which I’m not. Then I noticed that the adorable Vash-smile had been replaced by a bewildered, slightly suspicious frown. “Why are you a groupie?” he asked.
“Well, maybe not exactly a groupie as in, you know, follow you around everywhere and sing your praises type deal thing,” I blurted out, blushing horribly. Apparently, my super power definitely didn’t include being able to talk coherently around cute guys. “I mean, I’ve been travelling around a bit, and I’ve heard people talking about you. But not about how evil and dangerous you are...” I paused, brushing my hair out of my face. I also couldn’t quite look at him... I knew he’d think I was nuts. “I’ve just heard some people saying that you’re really nice. And that you’ve helped them a lot. Given your reputation, I don’t think many people would just make up stories like that. I find those stories easier to believe than all the rumours about how horrible you are, I guess,” I finished, looking at the ground and feeling like my face had undergone spontaneous combustion. We can now scratch looking-cool-by-not-blushing-like-a-sun-gone-supernova off my super power list. Dammit. That would have been a cool super power.
“Aw... thanks,” Vash said almost shyly. I looked up to see him totally blushing and grinning from ear to ear. It was sooooo cute. I just couldn’t help myself.
“So... do I get another hug?” I asked coyly, still blushing slightly. He chuckled slightly, and then totally surprised me by giving me a light hug. And then... aw... warm fuzzies abound. I hugged him back, because I wanted to. Hey, cartooniness notwithstanding, he’s still good-looking. And utterly huggable in... er... real life.
“MR. VASH!!” cried an utterly too-happy voice. “Imagine seeing you... here,” the voice suddenly died away, and both Vash and myself turned to see a tall brown-haired lady staring at us with a confused frown on her face. Beside her was a much shorter lady with black hair and tears forming in her eyes. Hmm... enter Millie and Meryl. Whoops.
“Sorry to interrupt you,” Meryl sniffed, acting somewhat cold and aloof. No doubt to cover up the fact that she was hurt to see us there like that.
“Oh, hi insurance ladies!” Vash beamed, waving at them cheerily. He was obviously clueless to the emotional undercurrents swirling around the four of us. Typical man. Then he went into introductions. “This is Millie Thompson and Meryl Strife. But I usually call them the insurance ladies,” he admitted, blushing once again. Then he turned to the other two. “And this is...” he paused, thought for a second and then turned to me.
“Theresa Beauchemin,” I provided. Then I gave a little wave. “Groupie,” I explained. “I needed a hug. Actually, I demanded one. At gunpoint. And stuff,” I finished somewhat awkwardly. They all proceeded to stand there and look at me. You know, with that *blink blink*-I’m-so-confused-you’re-so-strange look. So, I guess we can eliminate being cool from the super power list. Sigh
**Insert plot here!! (2 hours worth)**
“Gee, Mr. Vash,” Millie exclaimed, trying to catch her breath. “I never knew you had so much stamina.”
“Unh...” Meryl agreed wordlessly, still too tired to form a coherent sentence. Vash just sat there, managing to look proud and slightly shy at the same time.
“Too much stamina,” I moaned, collapsing into a boneless heap. “Would it have killed you to stop and rest for a bit??” I was presently having difficulty feeling my lower extremities. I had, after all, been the last one to arrive at the peak.
“Sorry girls,” said Vash, still blushing over Millie’s remark. “But we couldn’t afford to stop. We were pressed for time. Something bad is happening in March, and climbing over this hill is still the quickest way to get there.”
“Hill, my ass! It’s a fricken mountain,” I muttered, in a generally pissy mood. Super-stamina would have really come in handy here, but noooo, having that would just be too convenient, after all. Gah. “So, what exactly is happening in March?” I wheezed, just barely able to form that simple sentence. Whatever. I just really wanted to know what the heck was so important that we had to go all mountaineer people here.
“One of the local bar maids came running up to our cabin,” Millie explained coolly, “and she was absolutely panicked. She said someone was on a shooting spree in town square. He hadn’t killed anyone yet, just damaged property and scared a lot of people...”
“And we’re going to get there before he can kill anyone,” Vash vowed. He was suddenly ruthlessly serious, now that he had been reminded of his mission. Just between you and me, he’s kinda scary when he’s being ruthlessly serious. Shivers abound.
“Here here!!” I cheered to lighten the dark mood. I was now quite confident that I could stand up without wobbling, so I finally got to my feet. Yay me!
Just then, Meryl sent a scathing look in my direction. You know, the kind of look that says ‘Die, DIE you horrid bitch who was hugging my love object‘. Yeah, that look. And she pulled it off very well, if you ask me. “And why, exactly, is she coming with us?” she demanded icily. Hm... is it just me, or is Meryl in a pissy mood??
“Uh... simpa??” Millie asked, looking fearfully at the two of us. You could just tell that the poor girl was scared she’d have to break up a cat fight. Not fun for her. Or me, for that matter.
“She seems to think she can be of some help,” Vash stated calmly, once again oblivious to what was going on. Typical man. Then he turned around and smiled again. Aw... cuteness. I think I blushed again, or maybe I was still beet red from climbing the fricken mountain. Whatever. “But,” he continued, heading down the hill (And, gods forgive me, I couldn’t help wishing I could watch his. Unfortunately, his coat got in the way), “I’m really not taking any of you with me. You’re all just following me. I really don’t want that. You could get hurt.”
“Eh, don’t worry about me,” I stated breezily. I almost added that I have a super power, but that would have gotten me more strange looks. First off, they wouldn’t believe me. Secondly, I didn’t even know what my super power was. Knowing my luck, it would probably be something stupid and useless like being able to communicate with cheese. Sucks to be me.
“Sorry, but I’ve already taken too long getting to March. I’ll have to run.” And with that, Vash took off in a blur of blond and red. We looked after him for a moment, then Millie was the first to take off running after him.
“Meryl,” I called out before she could run off. Once again, I was rewarded with a evil-death-glare-from-hell. “I’m not interested in Vash. I mean, he’s nice and cute, but I’m really not into... (cartoons, I thought)... gunmen,” I finished lamely. “It was just a hug. You don’t have to be jealous.”
“What?!?” Meryl cried indignantly. “Who says I’m jealous?” she huffed, and then took off running after Vash and Millie.
“Oh, just a hunch. Damn, I really don’t want to do this.” I was willing to bet anything that I didn’t have super speed, and would probably trip over something, roll around and spraining my ankle. Just like I did in real-world B.C. I hung my head, sighed, and took off down the hill.
**Insert running here!! (0.3333333333333333333333333333333 hours worth)**
“Oh no! Look at this!!” Millie moaned, surveying the now-quite town square. A once-beautiful fountain that had been the centre of the square was chipped and cracked. A huge chunk of stone was also missing from its base. All around, buildings were riddled with bullet-holes, windows were broken and the remains of street-vendor carts were carelessly strewn on the ground.
“But do you see any people?” Vash demanded, looking around. “Is there anyone hurt here?”
“No,” said Meryl, walking to meet her friends. “I haven’t seen anyone. Or any blood anywhere.”
“He’s just been wrecking property so far,” said a quite voice. They looked up and saw a young woman peering out from behind the stone fountain. “I haven’t seen him actually shoot anyone. But, my pottery cart...” she moaned, “it’s the only way my husband and I have been able to make a living. And now it’s been destroyed...”
“Don’t worry, we’re with the insurance company,” Millie said soothingly. “We’ll make sure everyone receives compensation for the damage here.”
“And, we’ll stop whoever’s doing this,” Meryl added. “Did you see where he went?” The lady just nodded and pointed to a narrow street between a cluster of buildings.
“I’m going to stop him,” Vash vowed. “Please, don’t follow me.” He turned to look at the others, then paused. “Uh... where’s Theresa??”
Meanwhile, halfway across town...
“Stupid... *gasp*... bloody... *gasp*... running...” I muttered vehemently, collapsing against a building wall. God, how I hate it. I really, really hate running. Something that makes you feel this bad just can’t be good for you. If running was a living, breathing, killable entity... I’d bloody KILL IT!!
I looked around me, wondering about the utter lack of people in my immediate vicinity. Hm... they were probably all holed up indoors. Which, can’t really say I blame them. Not when there’s some wacko with a gun wandering about. I’d be doing the same thing myself, if not for the fact that, for the rest of the day, I was supposed to be a super hero.
Hey... wait a second. I’m just supposed to have a super power. That, by no means, that I have to be all brave and saving the day. I’m just me, with a super power. So what the heck was I doing here?? God, this sucked. This really sucked.
Suddenly, a faint, whisper of a sound came from somewhere down a nearby street. I wasn’t even sure I’d heard it at first, so I stood absolutely still, waiting to see if I’d hear it again. There it was... something scraping against the ground. A footstep? Or maybe it was some poor, hapless victim trying to crawl their way to safety. I shuddered and tried to banish a myriad of gruesome images out of my head.
A person came out from between a couple of buildings. I tensed, making ready to scream for help and run, if necessary. Okay, so sometimes running wasn’t an entirely evil thing... but mostly it is. My heart thudded in my chest, and I edged up as close to the wall as I could get, willing the person not to see me. Well, it didn’t work.
“Jackie,” I breathed, feeling myself relax immensely. “It’s you. Thank goodness. There’s someone here, in this town. A crazed, psychotic gunman. My friends and I were going to help stop him...”
Jackie just looked at me blankly. “So, where are your friends?” I couldn’t say why, but something about that voice sent small shivers of fear along my skin.
“They’re really close by,” I lied, hoping I had been gifted with super lying abilities. That would be nice. “Yeah, and Vash, he’s a really good gunman. I’m sure he’ll have everything under control in just a...” my voice froze in my throat as he pulled out a nasty looking gun. “Jackie... wh... what are you doing?” I started edging away from him. Looking desperately for a place to take cover. I would have bet my life that I wasn’t bullet-proof.
I was deafened by a sudden blast of bullets. I couldn’t even hear myself scream, but I knew for a fact that I was. I was dead, I knew it, I could just feel it. But the noise continued, and I opened my eyes, and lo, I was alive. And unhurt. He wasn’t even aiming at me... he was just shooting walls and windows and everything that didn’t move.
I don’t know how or why, but I got brave all of a sudden. Stupidity... that’s what it was. My super power seemed to be super-stupidity. Figures. I started duck-running awkwardly towards him, staying under the spray of bullets. Stupid, stupid, stupid meeee.... la la laaaaa... I am stupid, yes I am... Somehow, singing my newly inspired stupid-song worked. Don’t ask. Oh, you didn’t ask, did you? Well, enough of that.
As soon as I was close enough, I grabbed Jackie’s arm and pointed it skyward. I decided that I wanted his gun. If he didn’t have it, then he couldn’t use it to shoot me, now could he? Makes sense. So see, maybe I didn’t have super-stupidity after all.
I also didn’t have super strength. Or super ability-to-not-get-knocked-out. One minute, I saw his free arm coming towards me out of the corner of my eye. The next... blackness.
Maybe super-stupidity hadn’t been ruled out after all.
**Insert unconscious blackness!! (3 hours worth)**
“... is exactly why I didn’t want any of you following me,” I vaguely heard someone mutter. I seemed to be drifting into consciousness. And not the dopey, painless kind that comes after being drugged up. (Medical drugs, not illegal drugs. God, what do you think I am??) It was a painful type of consciousness, where your eyes are burning, throat’s dry and head feels like it’s in a vice. No, it was not a happy state of consciousness. Part of me was cheering ‘Yay, I’m not dead’! The rest of me was moaning ‘Give me drugs, dammit! I don’t care what kind!!’
And then I actually did moan. Nothing coherent, I assure you. Couldn’t manage that just yet.
“She’s awake!” cried a voice, and a familiar face loomed over me. “Are you okay?”
I tried saying ‘yes’. Really I did. But what came out of my mouth was more like ‘mgwarft’. Or some other unintelligible sound. No super recuperation abilities for me. No siree Bob. Dangit.
“Are you alright?” asked Meryl, who now joined Millie in looming over me. It almost seemed as though she was concerned for my well-being. Nah. Couldn’t be.
I stifled a groan and rolled my head to the side. “Super power my ass,” I mumbled, still feeling kinda woozy. “Of course I don’t get to choose my super power. No, that would be too easy for me. I, of course, get stuck with a totally pointless and useless super power. Great.”
“She’s delirious,” announced Millie. Meryl took a damp washcloth and placed it on my forehead. It felt cold, and made me wake up even more. I didn’t like it. Grr. Meryl really does still hate me. Making me all awake and what not. No fun.
“When will this day ever end?” I groaned. “How long was I out for?”
“Three hours,” announced Vash. I glanced over to see him leaning against a wall, looking very unhappy.
“Sorry, guys,” I muttered, feeling stupid and ashamed and useless. If Cordelia had been in this universe, she’d have said that I was the Zeppo... the useless one in the group. And she’d have been right. Heck, I wasn’t even part of the group. I was just kinda there.
“I shouldn’t have let you come,” Vash sighed. “Or I shouldn’t have let you get lost. I’m so sorry, you just shouldn’t have been there.”
“You’re lucky to be alive,” Meryl added softly.
“Not luck,” I muttered. “He had every chance to shoot me, and he didn’t. He probably wouldn’t have even hit me if I hadn’t tried to take his gun from him...”
“You saw him??” Vash demanded, suddenly sitting down at the bedside. He jostled the bed in doing so, and I groaned in protest. “Sorry.” He took the cloth off my face and brushed some stray hairs out of my eyes. Welcome back, warm fuzzies.
“He came down a side street. I was so relieved to see him at first, I thought he’d be able to help us...”
“Do you remember what he looked like?” Meryl interrupted.
“Of course I do. It was Jackie Chan,” I sighed, completely downhearted.
“Who is he?” Millie asked. I didn’t even hear her.
“I can’t believe it... why would Jackie do this?”
“Do you know where we could find him?” Vash demanded.
“I mean... he’s a good guy. He’s a great guy! He’s the coolest...” I rambled on. “And besides, he doesn’t even use guns. He doesn’t need them. He’s a kung fu master, or karate, or something. He just kung fu’s people’s asses... bad people’s asses...”
“Calm down, Theresa, just tell us...”
“Jackie Chan doesn’t use guns!!” I shouted, almost losing it. “It’s wrong! It’s worse than wrong!! IT’S SACRILIGE, DAMMIT!!” I sat up at this last remark, ready to personally hunt down gunman-who-couldn’t-be-Jackie-Chan. How dare he disrespect The Man by impersonating Him and using His image to do wrong. HOW DARE HE?!?! Yes, I was pissed.
“Calm down, Theresa...” Vash repeated, grabbing my arms and trying to make me lie down. “It’s okay...”
“It can’t have been Jackie Chan,” I sniffed. I would not cry... I would not. But, dammit, I was just so upset.
“Maybe not,” Vash conceded. “We’ll get to the bottom of this.”
I had just started feeling a bit better when someone knocked at the door. Everyone jumped, including Vash. Therefore, I must assume that no one was expecting company. Dangit. This couldn’t be good.
Millie and Meryl both got out their guns, rushing to cover the door before Vash could stop them. Millie glanced out the window. Then she turned pale, gasped, and swung the door open. She was outside in a flash, leaving the rest of us confused and worried. Even more so when we heard her choked cry.
“Oh my God!!” she gasped. We could hear another person’s voice, but not what they were saying. So, super hearing was also out. Meryl peeped out the door, her gun held at the ready. Then she, too, gasped and lowered her gun.
“...never dreamed I would see you again. I thought you were dead...” Millie’s voice came floating through the doorway. She started backing into the house. Someone’s hand was clasped in hers. She lead the other into the house, a tall man with dark hair and a cigarette dangling from his lips. Oh... of course. It had to be...
“Nicholas?” Vash demanded, his face both surprised and overjoyed. “But... in the church... how...?”
“I know,” Nicky grinned. “I never expected to make it out of there alive. But then the absolute strangest thing happened.”
Everyone looked at him expectantly, even me. After all, I had been horribly upset when Nicky was (supposedly) killed. I mean, he was cool, he and Millie made a cute couple. And then Millie was really sad. And then I was sad. It just sucked.
“Well,” he continued, “I was lying on the ground, convinced that I would die. And then I heard a car engine outside. Then this girl with short purple hair, turns out her name was Chloe, came into the church. She dragged me into the car, put me in the backseat with some guy named Doyle - who was burned pretty badly - and drove to a nearby hospital. And she had a fork stuck in her chest the whole while. It was pretty impressive! So they fixed up Chloe and I. Doyle had to stay there a bit longer, but last I heard, he was healing really well. The doctors thought he should be just fine.”
“Wow, that’s unbelievable,” Vash gaped.
“I know,” Mille whispered. “It’s a miracle.” Then she hugged Nicky tight, he kissed the top of her head, and there were warm fuzzies all around. It was great. But something was bothering me. That whole story with Chloe sounded vaguely familiar. Oh yeah...
“So Lynnsey was right after all!!” I blurted out without thinking. Once again, I was the object of everyone’s confusion. Four pairs of eyes stared at me, and I’m sure at least a few of these people were ready to commit me to a mental hospital.
“Nicky, this is Theresa,” Vash explained. “I... uh... ran into her earlier.”
“And I have a concussion,” I chirped brightly. “Hence the supposed craziness.”
“That’s odd,” stated a strange voice. “A voice who called herself Lynnsey told me to pick up Doyle and Nicholas and drive to a hospital.”
“Oh... you must be Chloe,” said Meryl, confused and worried about the girl’s mental health.
Well, at least I wasn’t the only one getting strange looks around here. It’s nice not to be alone.
**Insert talking here!! (0.5 hours worth)**
“And so this Jackie Chan guy’s been killing people all over March?” asked Nicky.
“NO!!” I shouted. Welcome back, strange looks. “He hasn’t killed anyone.”
“That we know of,” Vash corrected. I like the guy, but I just had to sit there and glare evilly at him. The Great Chan is not a killer! “But quite some time has passed since we last saw him. We don’t know what he’s been up to.”
“So you want to exterminate him?” Chloe asked, sounding uninterested. I knew better. Chloe lived to kill. Strange, n’est-ce pas?
“GOD NO!!” I screeched. “Look, you people just don’t listen! Jackie Chan is a good guy! If it really is him committing these crimes, and not some impostor, then there’s got to be something very wrong with him. And we don’t know that he killed anyone.”
“So says the girl with the concussion,” muttered Meryl. I was right... she still hated me. God, it was just a hug. The girl needed to learn to chill out.
“I’m not sure I agree with Theresa,” Vash mused, “but I definitely don’t agree with killing this Mr. Chan. No one has the right to take another’s life.” At this, Chloe glanced at him out of the corner of her eye and arched an eyebrow. Which, I’m sure meant for her ‘is this guy on crack’? The girl who kills for a living teamed up with the man who won’t even squish spiders (and they deserve to be squished!!)... Hm. This would be interesting.
“But we still have to stop him,” Millie affirmed.
“But not kill him,” I insisted, pouting.
“I don’t intend to,” Vash reassured me. I smiled a bit at this. I knew I could count on him.
“Well, he could still be in March right now,” said Nicky, stretching as he stood up. “We should go looking for him now.
“Right!” Millie smiled at her man and placed a hand on his arm.
“Well, what are we waiting for?” I asked, slipping out of bed. “Let’s go.”
“You’re not coming,” Vash said firmly. “I won’t have you getting hurt again.”
“Thanks for the vote of confidence,” I muttered darkly. “But you’re forgetting one thing: You need me there.”
“Huh?” Meryl said, staring at me in disbelief.
“I’m the only one here who knows what he looks like,” I said, crossing my arms defiantly. On a happier note, at least I could stand up. “How can you stop someone you won’t recognise? Jackie could be standing right beside one of you, and you wouldn’t even know it. He’d get away.”
“I’m inclined to agree,” said Chloe. “We don’t have a picture of the target. We need someone to provide visual confirmation.”
“And that someone is me,” I concluded. Then I fought really hard to refrain from saying ‘so there’ and sticking my tongue out. Call me crazy, but I don’t think acting like a two-year-old would convince them to let me come with.
Vash paused and looked at me intensely. It made me uncomfortable as hell, but I fought the urge to squirm. “Fine,” he finally conceded. “But you’ll stay out of harm’s way. We’ll have look-outs posted throughout March. I saw a watch tower in the town earlier on, you can look for this Mr. Chan from there.”
Sigh. Sitting on the sidelines. Probably for the best. After all, I still hadn’t ruled out super-stupidity as a super power.
**Insert driving in Chloe’s car here!! (0.75 hours worth)**
“Thank God we didn’t have to climb that stupid mountain again,” I sighed. “That would have killed me.”
“You were doing just fine before,” Vash said absentmindedly. He obviously hadn’t been paying attention to the fact that the last time I climbed that mountain, I was gasping and wheezing like a beached whale. Utterly clueless. Typical man.
“Well, here we are,” Chloe announced, putting her red mini-van in park. (Well, what kind of car did you expect, a T-bird or something snazzy like that? When it comes to practicality, nothing beats a mini-van.) I climbed out of the back, binoculars in hand, ready to climb to the top of the watch tower.
“I’ll go with you,” Vash exclaimed, following me out of the van. “Just to make sure it’s safe.” I just nodded, entered a door at the side of the tower and started climbing the stairs.
Vash followed in silence for a few moments. “Theresa?” he asked tentatively.
“Huh?” I grunted, trying to save my breath. Stairs were almost as evil as running.
“I’ve noticed that Meryl’s been a bit... touchy... since you’ve been here.” Hmm... so maybe he wasn’t so utterly oblivious after all. I had to give him credit. “Do you have any idea why?” Or maybe I didn’t.
I stopped on flight of stairs and turned to look at him. “Don’t move,” I said suddenly.
“Huh?”
He was a couple of steps below me. I knew I’d never get a chance like this again, so I took it. “Vash,” I said softly, looking him straight in the eyes...
Then I smacked him upside the head.
“HEY!” he yelled. “What was that for?” Vash glared at me, rubbing the back of his head.
“Typical man,” I muttered, turning my back on him to continue climbing up the stairs.
Vash decided not to ask any more questions. I’d have said he was a smart man, but I think part of me knew better.
The humanoid typhoon decided it would be best for him to take point just before entering the room. That way, he’d be in harms way first. Part of me wanted to protest. The suicidal part of me. I told it to shut the hell up. And lo, it did. Vash stepped into the room, gun drawn. He quickly scanned the vicinity for signs of danger before signalling for me to enter.
I took a couple of steps into the room and paused. “Uh...” I looked at Vash. “How am I supposed to contact you guys if I do see him? Do we have two way radios or something?” Vash stared blankly for a moment, then blushed.
“Whoops,” he said sheepishly. “Um... I don’t think so.”
“Hmm... just wanted to double-check. So, now what? WAIT!! I KNOW!!”
**Insert plot hole here!! (Just assume we manage to contact each other. What?!? Stop thinking. Logic does not apply.)**
**Insert search for Jackie Chan here!! (0.25 hours worth)**
People were starting to come out onto the street, surveying the damage that was done to their homes and shops. This made the task of spotting Jackie much harder. Squinting through the binoculars, I not only had to scan an area, but study everyone I saw to make sure they weren’t Jackie.
“Not Chan,” I muttered, observing a young woman. “Not Chan, not Chan... wait! No, not Chan. BINGO!!” I cried. “North east corner of town, shooting up a church of some kind,” I informed the others. (Remember: plot hole!!)
“Sacrilege!” cried Nicky, outraged. The man kills almost without regret, yet can’t stand to see a place of worship damaged. Well, no one ever said he was consistent.
I don’t know why, but I just had to say: “You keep on using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means,” smirking to myself all the while.
“Huh?!?” he asked.
“Concussion!” I reminded him cheerily.
“Oh.”
“We’re going in to kill him,” Chloe said softly.
“NO!!” Vash and I cried at the same time. “Not kill!” Vash insisted.
“We won’t,” Meryl reassured him.
“By the way, Vash,” I started, “Meryl’s been in a pissy mood because she saw us hugging. She really cares about you, and I think is really jealous of me. But I told her she has nothing to worry about.”
“Oh,” he exclaimed. I could just picture a light bulb going off above his head. “I didn’t know that. Wow... uh... I really don’t think of you that way... no offence,” he added hastily. “But... why are you telling me this now?”
“Why not?” I countered, for lack of a better answer.
“Point well taken. Well, we’re going to take him down now. We’ll come get you when it’s all over.”
“Great,” I said. Left behind once again. I continued looking through the binoculars, just to make sure I wouldn’t lose him. Then, I caught a glimpse of someone moving near Jackie. Someone that I recognised.
“AHA!!” I cried. “Well, my dears, it seems there’s a much greater evil afoot.” It seemed that my last comment went unheard, or at least ignored, for no one responded. “Don’t worry, Jackie. I’ll save you,” I vowed, turning to run out of the room. I had to get there before it was too late.
Meanwhile, in the North east corner of town...
“You’re surrounded,” Millie stated firmly, pointing her gun at the man. “We don’t want to hurt you. Just put down your weapons.”
“We’re not hurting anyone,” the man stated calmly. Everyone just brushed off his use of the word ‘we’, assuming he was crazy.
“You can’t destroy property like this,” Meryl stated. “Their homes, their shops. We’re from the insurance company, and we’re here to stop you.”
“I’m afraid we can’t allow that.” He looked straight at Meryl. “You’re in our way. Move please.”
“No,” Nicky stated, standing in front of the church. “We can’t let you do this. Put your guns down.”
“No. You’re ruining our plan,” said the man, pouting childishly. “We can’t let you do this.” He turned on Nicky, not quite pointing his gun at the priest. “We don’t want to hurt you...” Nicky tensed and started to turn his gun on Jackie in self defence.
“NOO!!” I rasped, running onto the scene. “You can’t! He doesn’t know what he’s doing. He’s being controlled by forces of EVIL!!”
“Theresa!! Get out of here!!” shouted Millie shrilly. “You’re going to get hurt...”
At that moment, I dove behind a nearby bush. But not for cover, oh no. I was hell bent on causing some damage.
“Ow, you’re pulling my hair,” screeched a female voice.
“You landed on my foot,” shrieked another.
“Stop scratching me, you sissy!!” I hissed.
“You should talk, hair puller!” Complained the first voice. The group of gunmen and gunwomen stood there, completely baffled. They alternated between looking at the bush in bewilderment and glancing suspiciously at Jackie, who was now, inexplicably, standing totally still.
“Here’s the real evil!!” I exclaimed triumphantly, dragging two people out of the bushes by their hair. No, my super power isn’t fighting or kick-asserie. I am rather ashamed to admit that I was very close to getting my ass kicked. As it was, I was going to have bruises and scratches in the morning. Plus, I’d probably need a rabies shot.
The group just stared at the people I had vanquished. “So, they’re evil clones?” asked Nicky, looking dubiously at the young ladies.
“Worse,” I said grimly. “It’s Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen!!” I don’t know what I was expecting... maybe a collective, scandalized gasp. Maybe some dramatic music... you know... *Da dum duuuuuuuuummmmmmm!!* All I got was blank stares. Then I remembered, these people knew nothing of my world. “They’re evil,” I said calmly, kind of like how you’d explain to a child that eating dirt is bad for you. “They have their sights on world domination through crappy T.V. shows and ugly clothing chains.”
“And children’s toothpaste!” Mary Kate chirped triumphantly.
“Shut up!!” hissed Ashley.
“Wait,” I said suspiciously. “What about the toothpaste??”
“Yeah,” Chloe chimed in menacingly. “What about the toothpaste??”
“Uh... shutting up!” Mary Kate exclaimed nervously. Everyone just glared at her evilly. Well, except Jackie. He was still zoned out. “Uh... it’sreallyamindcontroldevice!!” she blurted out. Some people just can’t handle pressure.
“I KNEW IT!!” I shouted, pointing an accusing finger at the bopsie twins. “I knew you’re products were evil. Especially the toothpaste.”
“And that’s how you’re controlling this Jackie Chan.” Vash, of all people, was putting two and two together. I almost smiled, but I was still pissed at the teeny-bopper twins. Really pissed. “But why? Why bring him here and have him destroy March?”
“Do you really think partial-domination of our world is really enough for us?” demanded Ashley, striking the classic defiant, teeny-bopper pose. Call me crazy, but I just couldn’t take these two very seriously as criminal master minds. “We heard about this world, and decided to try our luck here.”
“But your world doesn’t have a market based on crappy pop-culture, like ours does,” Mary Kate cut in. Her carbon copy sent her a scathing glance.
“You don’t have televisions, barely have radio,” Ashley went on. “Our shows wouldn’t have sold here. And there’s no way we could have marketed clothing, dolls, board games and toothpaste without first establishing, through television, that we are cute, charming, happening young ladies.” She flicked her red hair out of her face. “You can’t rule this world through marketing, you have to do it by force. And that’s where Jackie came in.”
“So you gave him your mind-control toothpaste to make him do your dirty work,” Nicky elaborated. “Not very fair.”
“Wait a sec... we have this toothpaste back home,” I said, slightly frightened. “Why haven’t you taken over the minds of all the kids who use it every night before bed?”
“Hmph!” Ashley snorted. “Who wants to control little kids? Besides, you need a concentrated dose of the toothpaste to get the full effects.”
“Yeah. We forced-fed it to Jackie,” Mary Kate explained. Then she shut up.
“That’s just evil!!” I glowered at them. “You are both evil and should die HORRIBLY!!”
“That can be arranged,” said a gentle voice. Everyone (except Jackie) turned to look at it’s source.
“KNIVES!! What are you doing here??” exclaimed Vash.
“I was out for a walk. Then I heard about what was going on here.”
“I won’t let you hurt my friends,” Vash menaced, getting into a shooting stance. “I’ll hurt you if I have to.”
“I don’t intend to,” Knives said coolly. “It occurred to me I was being a bit neurotic. That I had issues. So I’ve been going to a counsellor, having group meetings, reading ’Chicken Soup for the genocidal gunman’s soul’, stuff like that. But I have to agree with the strange girl. These two are evil. They deserve to die.”
“No, they don’t,” Vash said. Standing behind him, I mouthed to Knives ’Yes, they really do’. Then I had a great idea.
“Oh my God, Vash!!” I screeched. “Look. Someone’s stepping on a spider!!”
“Where? Where?!?!?!” demanded Vash.
“Over there,” I pointed vaguely. “Go save it!!” The instant Vash ran off to the rescue, I looked at Knives. “Okay, shoot them.”
“Oh, he couldn’t,” said Ashley defiantly.
“Yeah, we’re too cute,” Mary Kate chipped in.
Apparently, they were wrong. Knives fired twice with deadly accuracy, and the evil twins were no more. Everyone just stared at him, shocked. “Well, therapy is a progressive process. I’m almost ready to admit that most humans don’t deserve to be killed. But those two did.” Then he looked around at the group. “Does anyone have a problem with that?” he asked mildly.
It seemed that no one did. Really. They weren’t just humouring the madman. They were all secretly rooting for the twins’ deaths.
Suddenly, Vash came running back. “I thought I heard gunshots,” he gasped.
“No, no you didn’t,” Millie lied.
“No gunshots here,” said I.
“Oh. Huh. That’s funny.” Vash scratched his head. Then he saw the twins lying on the ground. “What happened to them? Were they shot?” he asked suspiciously.
“No,” Chloe said.
“They fell on some bullets,” Nicky reassured his friend. “Totally accidental.”
“Oh. Okay then,” said Vash. “By the way, Theresa. There was no spider in danger.”
“Oh. My mistake.” I could hardly keep from grinning. As Vash turned to look at Jackie, we all shared a smile. He fell for it.
“Huh... what’s going on?” demanded Jackie, finally coming to. “Where am I? Who are you people?”
“Vash, Meryl, Millie, Knives, Nicky, Chloe and I’m Theresa,” I explained pointing around. “It’s a long story. Well, not really. The Olsen Twins were bent on conquering this world, brainwashed you with mind-controlling toothpaste and made you do their evil bidding.”
Jackie looked at me and blinked. “I just knew there was something evil about that toothpaste. I could taste it.” Then he paused, and admitted sheepishly, “Or maybe it was just mint.”
“Evil, mint. Who really knows where the line between the two really lies?” I asked philosophically.
“Wow, that was deep,” said Jackie, impressed.
“Well, we saved the day, again. And I guess I no longer have to worry about fighting against someone who is like a brother to me,” Vash exclaimed, nodding towards Knives. “We’re good!” Then he smiled proudly and leaned against the church’s doorframe.
Apparently, even that was too much for the battered building. It collapsed in a cloud of dust, and just barely missed burying Vash beneath a pile rubble. This caused a small shock wave, which in turn caused several severely structurally damaged buildings in the vicinity to tumble as well. Everyone stood shocked and blinking. Except for Vash. He looked absolutely humiliated. “Oops,” he squeaked.
Typical man.
**Insert plot here!! (1 hour worth. Assume that Vash and Kuroneko have been greatly traumatised by me during this time.)**
This is the end.
…considerable damage to the entire town of March. However, I must stress that, contrary to popular opinion, mister Vash the Stampede was not, in fact, entirely responsible for the destruction. Unfortunatly, given his reputation, chaos and destruction happen to follow this man. Therefore, I porpose that…
“Meryl, you spelled ‘propose’ wrong,” I stated absentmindedly, holding an icepack to my face. Stupid brats gave me a black eye. “It‘s p-r-o-p-o-s-e. And you spelled ‘unfortunately’ wrong too.”
“If you want to write this, Theresa…” Meryl snapped, glaring daggers at me (literally! She is an anime character, after all), “… then go right ahead.”
“No, I bloody well don’t want to write it,” I said wearily, plopping down in a chair beside her. “That’s your job, dammit.” For lack of something better to do, I started scanning over what she had written. “Cripes, you have a LOT of spelling mistakes here.” Suddenly, something hit me. An idea, not an object. Or maybe it was that black cat that shows up in every episode. I really couldn’t remember.
Oh yeah, it really was an idea. Fact of the matter was, I shouldn’t have been able to pick out all of these spelling mistakes. Normally, I’m a horrendous speller! I didn’t get it.
Oh, wait. Yes I did. “What the heck?? My super power is spell checking?!?!” Then I looked around the room to see everyone looking at me with those funny confused anime-faces. Well, everyone except Jackie Chan. You can’t anime that face… it’s sacrilegious!! “No, really guys. It makes sense! I mean, usually I can’t spell at all. But now I can! And I’m even correcting Japanese spelling! I mean, I usually can’t even read Japanese!!” And again with the blank, confused expressions. Man, these people just weren’t getting it!!
“Uh… but you just were reading Japanese,” said Jackie. “And… you’ve been speaking it for the past 22 hours and 4 minutes. How is that…?”
“SILENCE!!” I shouted, pounding the table with my fist. “No questions! Just stand there and look pretty!”
Smiling, Jackie stated proudly “I can do that!” And then he struck a manly pose.
“Ooooooohhhh!!” everyone in the room exclaimed, totally awestruck.
“Wait! Hold that pose! Let me get my camera!” I screeched. And I did, and then proceeded to take numerous pictures.
Another pose. And yet another. It was a Jackie-Chan-goodness fest!! “Yeah baby, yeah!” I exclaimed. “You’re an animal. You’re a tiger. Grrr. Yes… yes… yesss… NO!! NO!! And I’m spent,” I sighed, tossing the camera away. “WAIT! I must save that film.” Then I noticed that, with the exception of Jackie, I was, once again, getting the strangest looks from everyone in the room. “Oh, come on! As if you guys wouldn’t have taken advantage of that!!” More scared, worried stares. “Ah, screw that.”
“SIDEWAYS!!” thundered disembodied Carla.
“Uh… can I go home now? I think everyone here is scarred for life now.”
“Well, you still have 5 minutes… you really should stay…”
“NO!!” screamed Vash, totally panicked. “Take her! Please, PLEASE take her. I just can’t take any more of this abuse. And neither can poor Kuroneko!!” he pouted, holding up the poor, traumatised kitty. “Won’t somebody please think of the kitty?!?”
“Well, all right. I’ll take her from you,” Carla consented. “Not that we really want her back either.”
“Screw you, disembodied Carla,” I muttered darkly.
“Sigh. You keep promising, but you never deliver. Much to my delight!! Tee hee! Well, guys, thanks for taking her off our hands for a bit. Toodles!!”
And lo, disembodied Carla did leave. And embodied Theresa did end up in the real, non-Vashy world. And all was good for the anime-pplz. Or was it?? (Note to the readers, I’m in the real world now. My super powerness is now gonified.)
3 minutes later…
The gathering of anime-pplz was still standing dumb-struck, blinking their anime-eyes as though to banish the horrors of the past 23 hours and 59 minutes.
“That was sooo scary,” said Nick, shuddering.
“Yeah, I’m with you man,” agreed Knives.
“Some things truly do deserve to be killed,” stated Vash. “Well, there goes my whole set of ideals.”
“Well, this is just weird, innit?” drawled a strange voice. Everyone turned to look just as a (sexy) leather-clad stranger with platinum blond hair lit up a cigarette. “Has any of you seen a bird named Theresa Beauchemin? It says here I’m supposed to have wild, sweaty sex with her in a sauna,” he stated, holding up a script entitled ’48 Things to do with Chocolate when ur HORNY’, co-written by Lindsey and Tannis. “And actually, I’m kinda looking forward to trying out this thing on page 362,” he stated with a (sexy) wicked grin.
The expressions on the poor anime-pplz faces changed from bewildered to just plain horrified. Well, except Chloe’s. She was too busy drooling (as well she should).
“Uh… well… sh…she just… kinda… l…left,” stuttered Millie.
“DAMN!! Missed her again. CURSE YOU CRUEL FATE!! HOW DARE YOU KEEP US APART?!?!” he cried, shaking his fist at the sky. “No matter. She will be mine. Oh, yes, she will be mine,” he vowed, as he turned on his (sexy) heel and stalked (sexily) out of the room.
At which point, the contingent of anime-pplz started cowering behind a desk.
“Is it over yet?” whined Knives.
“I… don’t…know,” lamented Meryl. “I just don’t know.”
And none of them were ever quite the same. Especially Kuroneko.
***I.O.U 3 hours worth of plot. And Spike sex. Lots of. >; )
Yes, the Day in the Life of Trigun is finally finished. Didn't turn out exactly as I had planned. It goes from funny to serious to stupid to long to funny to finished. Secondly, I only made a passing reference to Lynnsey and didn't mention Tannis at all in my story. I was planning to, and feel severly bad that I didn't. The thing is, it didn't quite fit in when all was said and done. Plus, I'm getting kinda tired of writing this. I really wanted to finish tonight. I didn't know how I was going to fit in what I had been planning with those two.
No... not that. Get your mind out of the gutter.
At any rate... here it is!! (Drumroll please...)
A DAY IN THE LIFE OF TRIGUN
Once upon a time, I was a cartoon character. Not just any cartoon character, I was an anime version of myself. Which meant I had HUGE fricken' eyes. I don't know exactly how this happened, but I was just going to go with it.
So I was walking along by my anime-self, sorta wondering how to get back to reality-land and if I even wanted to. But mostly I was thinking ‘Ooooh... cartoony goodness‘. Indeed, being in a living cartoon was neat in a trippy sorta way. I spent about an hour doing this (hence, leaving me with only 23 hours left to go. Hm... where the heck did that thought come from?) before I finally realised that I should at least be questioning why and how I had become an anime character.
“Wait a second!!” I exclaimed, stopping suddenly in the middle of the sidewalk. This caused several people behind me to plough into me. They then proceeded to stumble and fall. Then they all glared at me anime-style. I blushed and apologized profusely, all the while trying not to laugh at how funny their faces were. Then I remembered that I had had a thought. Possibly a pertinent one. What are the odds?!?
Finally I looked up at the sky - (Why, I don’t exactly know. I guess I liked the dramatic effect) - and asked of no one in particular “Why am I an anime character and how did this happen??”
“KARMA!!” boomed a somewhat familiar, disembodied voice.
“Huh?!?”
“YOU DID NOT DO THE TANNIS_TANCHI BLOG COMPETITION IN TIME. THEREFORE YOUR PENNANCE IS TO ACTUALLY SPEND A DAY INSIDE AN ANIME STORYLINE AND SUFFER!!!!”
“Huh. Well, I guess that’s fair... except not.” I scratched my head. “Is this God?”
There was a short pause, followed by a booming “YES, IT IS.”
“Huh. That’s strange. ‘Cause you see, you sound kind of like my friend Carla.”
Longer pause. “MERELY COENCIENDENTAL, I ASSURE YOU.”
I frowned, placing my hands on my hips. “You’re not God!! It’s Carla, isn’t it.”
Pause. “Well, yes,” she admitted in her normal voice. “But I’m so darned close to being God that I didn’t think anyone would notice.”
“Good point. But I saw through your dastardly charade,” I exclaimed, as I puffed myself up with pride. (And then had a very odd mental image of me being attached to a cylinder marked ‘PRIDE’ and being blown up like a balloon. Note to self, lay off the Amoxicillin.)
“Well played, Beauchemin, well played,” Carla conceded, blissfully oblivious to the odd Theresa-balloon image I’d just had.
“Uh... so I know the why... but the question remains: HOW did you guys get me into an anime?”
“Tannis and Lynnsey helped.”
“Uh... that still doesn’t answer my question...”
“NO MORE QUESTIONS!!!” Carla thundered.
“Uh okay,” I said meekly, cowering behind that black cat that shows up in every Trigun episode. “Actually, I have just one more.”
“SIGH! Fine, what is it?”
“I know this is only going to last 24 hours. How much time to I have left?”
“Exactly 23 hours.”
“Wait a sec!! I had slightly less than 23 hours to go before this conversation even started!! How does that work?”
Carla paused, and I could just picture the smug smile on her face as she stated gleefully “I froze time. Tee hee! I mean, this would be a really boring story if you spent most of it arguing with me. Which, you do realise, that you could have made everything so much better if you hadn’t made me just a disembodied voice. That way, people could see the wonderfulness that is me.”
“Wonderfulness my butt. I didn’t want the judges to run away screaming at the crippling mental images that describing your face would invoke!” I shot back.
“I hate you.”
“Feeling’s mutual, disembodied Carla!!” I shouted, shaking my fist at the sky.
“Excrement,” she exclaimed. “Well, I’m going now.”
“But I’m not finished telling you off!!” I screamed. Then I noticed that time had unfrozen, and people were staring at me. I blushed once more then whirled around, intent on getting away from there as fast as possible. It would have been a great plan, except I ran full-force into someone.
“AHH!!” I said
“AIIEE!!” the person said. And then we both ended up sprawled on the sidewalk in a tangle of limbs. Unfortunately for me, I ended up on the bottom of this particular tangle of limbs, and my fellow tanglee was rather, okay, VERY heavy.
I somehow managed to squirm my way out from underneath the other person, looked down and realised that a can of Pepsi they had been carrying spilled, drenching the legs of my jeans. “Uh, I’m really sorry about that,” I stammered as I got to my feet. “And I’m really sorry that I spilled your Pepsi. Maybe I can get you a new one... AHHH! IT’S JABBA THE HUTT!!” I screamed when I finally saw who I’d ran into.
“That’s okay. It’s not a Pepsi,” he rumbled. “It’s a PEPSI TWIST!!” he exclaimed as he unzipped the cover of the can to reveal it’s true label. “And I’m not Jabba the Hutt,” he continued. Then pulled down a zipper on the front of his body, er, suit. “I’m Jackie Chan!!”
“Oh... my... GOD!!!” I screeched, two seconds before I glomped him. “It’s Jackie Chan!! Wait ‘til I tell Lynnsey... she’ll be so jealous!” Then Jackie laughed his manly laugh and hugged me back. “You... are... a... god!” I crooned.
“Ha ha ha! I know I am,” he exclaimed. “But I gotta run now. Bye!” Then he waved quickly and ran away. Off to save the world, I assume.
“Wow!” I sighed. Then I turned around and ran smack dab into someone else.
“AHH!” I said.
“AIIEE!!” the person said (wow, deja vu). And somehow I fell flat on my face. “Sorry,” I mumbled to the person while my face was still planted into the ground. So far, this was not shaping up to be a good day.
“I’m so sorry, miss. Let me help you up. OH! You saved my DONUTS! Thank you so much!” the person exclaimed. And sure enough, I was holding a brown paper bag (filled with donuts, I assume) in my hands. I seemed to have somehow, miraculously caught it before it could hit the ground.
“Er, no problem,” I stammered, confused. The person helped me to my feet and promptly glomped me. I assumed they did so simply out of sheer joy that their precious donuts had been rescued. But seeing as they were much taller than me (my face just reached their chest), they could have also been trying to kill me by asphyxiation. “Can’t... breath...” I gasped after a few seconds.
“Oh, sorry! But THANK YOU for saving the donuts!!” he exclaimed. Then I realized that, as per the Tannis_Tachi blog competition, I get to have a super power!! Maybe I have super reflexes, which allowed me to catch the donuts! Nah, that can’t be it. If I did have super reflexes, I wouldn’t keep running into people. But anyways, enough with thinking. I’m not that good at it anyways.
“Well, I guess I should be going mister…” then I looked up at the person (way up, for he was really tall). “Oh my god… You’re Vash the Stampede!”
“Uh… no I’m not,” he stammered, slightly panicked. “I’m, uh… I’m…”
“Oh, it’s okay. I’m not after the bounty money,” I explained quickly, trying to calm him down and make him not run away. “I just, um, I kinda don’t know how to say this...” He just stared down at me while I tried to think of a plausible explanation. “Well, I guess you could say I’m kind of a groupie.”
“A groupie??” he asked, a slight smile forming on his face. And he actually blushed a tiny bit. It was so cute, I just had to smile back. And then I had to mentally chant He’s a cartoon character for goodness’ sake! These are really really wrong thoughts to be having. Unless you’re Lynnsey. Which I’m not. Then I noticed that the adorable Vash-smile had been replaced by a bewildered, slightly suspicious frown. “Why are you a groupie?” he asked.
“Well, maybe not exactly a groupie as in, you know, follow you around everywhere and sing your praises type deal thing,” I blurted out, blushing horribly. Apparently, my super power definitely didn’t include being able to talk coherently around cute guys. “I mean, I’ve been travelling around a bit, and I’ve heard people talking about you. But not about how evil and dangerous you are...” I paused, brushing my hair out of my face. I also couldn’t quite look at him... I knew he’d think I was nuts. “I’ve just heard some people saying that you’re really nice. And that you’ve helped them a lot. Given your reputation, I don’t think many people would just make up stories like that. I find those stories easier to believe than all the rumours about how horrible you are, I guess,” I finished, looking at the ground and feeling like my face had undergone spontaneous combustion. We can now scratch looking-cool-by-not-blushing-like-a-sun-gone-supernova off my super power list. Dammit. That would have been a cool super power.
“Aw... thanks,” Vash said almost shyly. I looked up to see him totally blushing and grinning from ear to ear. It was sooooo cute. I just couldn’t help myself.
“So... do I get another hug?” I asked coyly, still blushing slightly. He chuckled slightly, and then totally surprised me by giving me a light hug. And then... aw... warm fuzzies abound. I hugged him back, because I wanted to. Hey, cartooniness notwithstanding, he’s still good-looking. And utterly huggable in... er... real life.
“MR. VASH!!” cried an utterly too-happy voice. “Imagine seeing you... here,” the voice suddenly died away, and both Vash and myself turned to see a tall brown-haired lady staring at us with a confused frown on her face. Beside her was a much shorter lady with black hair and tears forming in her eyes. Hmm... enter Millie and Meryl. Whoops.
“Sorry to interrupt you,” Meryl sniffed, acting somewhat cold and aloof. No doubt to cover up the fact that she was hurt to see us there like that.
“Oh, hi insurance ladies!” Vash beamed, waving at them cheerily. He was obviously clueless to the emotional undercurrents swirling around the four of us. Typical man. Then he went into introductions. “This is Millie Thompson and Meryl Strife. But I usually call them the insurance ladies,” he admitted, blushing once again. Then he turned to the other two. “And this is...” he paused, thought for a second and then turned to me.
“Theresa Beauchemin,” I provided. Then I gave a little wave. “Groupie,” I explained. “I needed a hug. Actually, I demanded one. At gunpoint. And stuff,” I finished somewhat awkwardly. They all proceeded to stand there and look at me. You know, with that *blink blink*-I’m-so-confused-you’re-so-strange look. So, I guess we can eliminate being cool from the super power list. Sigh
**Insert plot here!! (2 hours worth)**
“Gee, Mr. Vash,” Millie exclaimed, trying to catch her breath. “I never knew you had so much stamina.”
“Unh...” Meryl agreed wordlessly, still too tired to form a coherent sentence. Vash just sat there, managing to look proud and slightly shy at the same time.
“Too much stamina,” I moaned, collapsing into a boneless heap. “Would it have killed you to stop and rest for a bit??” I was presently having difficulty feeling my lower extremities. I had, after all, been the last one to arrive at the peak.
“Sorry girls,” said Vash, still blushing over Millie’s remark. “But we couldn’t afford to stop. We were pressed for time. Something bad is happening in March, and climbing over this hill is still the quickest way to get there.”
“Hill, my ass! It’s a fricken mountain,” I muttered, in a generally pissy mood. Super-stamina would have really come in handy here, but noooo, having that would just be too convenient, after all. Gah. “So, what exactly is happening in March?” I wheezed, just barely able to form that simple sentence. Whatever. I just really wanted to know what the heck was so important that we had to go all mountaineer people here.
“One of the local bar maids came running up to our cabin,” Millie explained coolly, “and she was absolutely panicked. She said someone was on a shooting spree in town square. He hadn’t killed anyone yet, just damaged property and scared a lot of people...”
“And we’re going to get there before he can kill anyone,” Vash vowed. He was suddenly ruthlessly serious, now that he had been reminded of his mission. Just between you and me, he’s kinda scary when he’s being ruthlessly serious. Shivers abound.
“Here here!!” I cheered to lighten the dark mood. I was now quite confident that I could stand up without wobbling, so I finally got to my feet. Yay me!
Just then, Meryl sent a scathing look in my direction. You know, the kind of look that says ‘Die, DIE you horrid bitch who was hugging my love object‘. Yeah, that look. And she pulled it off very well, if you ask me. “And why, exactly, is she coming with us?” she demanded icily. Hm... is it just me, or is Meryl in a pissy mood??
“Uh... simpa??” Millie asked, looking fearfully at the two of us. You could just tell that the poor girl was scared she’d have to break up a cat fight. Not fun for her. Or me, for that matter.
“She seems to think she can be of some help,” Vash stated calmly, once again oblivious to what was going on. Typical man. Then he turned around and smiled again. Aw... cuteness. I think I blushed again, or maybe I was still beet red from climbing the fricken mountain. Whatever. “But,” he continued, heading down the hill (And, gods forgive me, I couldn’t help wishing I could watch his. Unfortunately, his coat got in the way), “I’m really not taking any of you with me. You’re all just following me. I really don’t want that. You could get hurt.”
“Eh, don’t worry about me,” I stated breezily. I almost added that I have a super power, but that would have gotten me more strange looks. First off, they wouldn’t believe me. Secondly, I didn’t even know what my super power was. Knowing my luck, it would probably be something stupid and useless like being able to communicate with cheese. Sucks to be me.
“Sorry, but I’ve already taken too long getting to March. I’ll have to run.” And with that, Vash took off in a blur of blond and red. We looked after him for a moment, then Millie was the first to take off running after him.
“Meryl,” I called out before she could run off. Once again, I was rewarded with a evil-death-glare-from-hell. “I’m not interested in Vash. I mean, he’s nice and cute, but I’m really not into... (cartoons, I thought)... gunmen,” I finished lamely. “It was just a hug. You don’t have to be jealous.”
“What?!?” Meryl cried indignantly. “Who says I’m jealous?” she huffed, and then took off running after Vash and Millie.
“Oh, just a hunch. Damn, I really don’t want to do this.” I was willing to bet anything that I didn’t have super speed, and would probably trip over something, roll around and spraining my ankle. Just like I did in real-world B.C. I hung my head, sighed, and took off down the hill.
**Insert running here!! (0.3333333333333333333333333333333 hours worth)**
“Oh no! Look at this!!” Millie moaned, surveying the now-quite town square. A once-beautiful fountain that had been the centre of the square was chipped and cracked. A huge chunk of stone was also missing from its base. All around, buildings were riddled with bullet-holes, windows were broken and the remains of street-vendor carts were carelessly strewn on the ground.
“But do you see any people?” Vash demanded, looking around. “Is there anyone hurt here?”
“No,” said Meryl, walking to meet her friends. “I haven’t seen anyone. Or any blood anywhere.”
“He’s just been wrecking property so far,” said a quite voice. They looked up and saw a young woman peering out from behind the stone fountain. “I haven’t seen him actually shoot anyone. But, my pottery cart...” she moaned, “it’s the only way my husband and I have been able to make a living. And now it’s been destroyed...”
“Don’t worry, we’re with the insurance company,” Millie said soothingly. “We’ll make sure everyone receives compensation for the damage here.”
“And, we’ll stop whoever’s doing this,” Meryl added. “Did you see where he went?” The lady just nodded and pointed to a narrow street between a cluster of buildings.
“I’m going to stop him,” Vash vowed. “Please, don’t follow me.” He turned to look at the others, then paused. “Uh... where’s Theresa??”
Meanwhile, halfway across town...
“Stupid... *gasp*... bloody... *gasp*... running...” I muttered vehemently, collapsing against a building wall. God, how I hate it. I really, really hate running. Something that makes you feel this bad just can’t be good for you. If running was a living, breathing, killable entity... I’d bloody KILL IT!!
I looked around me, wondering about the utter lack of people in my immediate vicinity. Hm... they were probably all holed up indoors. Which, can’t really say I blame them. Not when there’s some wacko with a gun wandering about. I’d be doing the same thing myself, if not for the fact that, for the rest of the day, I was supposed to be a super hero.
Hey... wait a second. I’m just supposed to have a super power. That, by no means, that I have to be all brave and saving the day. I’m just me, with a super power. So what the heck was I doing here?? God, this sucked. This really sucked.
Suddenly, a faint, whisper of a sound came from somewhere down a nearby street. I wasn’t even sure I’d heard it at first, so I stood absolutely still, waiting to see if I’d hear it again. There it was... something scraping against the ground. A footstep? Or maybe it was some poor, hapless victim trying to crawl their way to safety. I shuddered and tried to banish a myriad of gruesome images out of my head.
A person came out from between a couple of buildings. I tensed, making ready to scream for help and run, if necessary. Okay, so sometimes running wasn’t an entirely evil thing... but mostly it is. My heart thudded in my chest, and I edged up as close to the wall as I could get, willing the person not to see me. Well, it didn’t work.
“Jackie,” I breathed, feeling myself relax immensely. “It’s you. Thank goodness. There’s someone here, in this town. A crazed, psychotic gunman. My friends and I were going to help stop him...”
Jackie just looked at me blankly. “So, where are your friends?” I couldn’t say why, but something about that voice sent small shivers of fear along my skin.
“They’re really close by,” I lied, hoping I had been gifted with super lying abilities. That would be nice. “Yeah, and Vash, he’s a really good gunman. I’m sure he’ll have everything under control in just a...” my voice froze in my throat as he pulled out a nasty looking gun. “Jackie... wh... what are you doing?” I started edging away from him. Looking desperately for a place to take cover. I would have bet my life that I wasn’t bullet-proof.
I was deafened by a sudden blast of bullets. I couldn’t even hear myself scream, but I knew for a fact that I was. I was dead, I knew it, I could just feel it. But the noise continued, and I opened my eyes, and lo, I was alive. And unhurt. He wasn’t even aiming at me... he was just shooting walls and windows and everything that didn’t move.
I don’t know how or why, but I got brave all of a sudden. Stupidity... that’s what it was. My super power seemed to be super-stupidity. Figures. I started duck-running awkwardly towards him, staying under the spray of bullets. Stupid, stupid, stupid meeee.... la la laaaaa... I am stupid, yes I am... Somehow, singing my newly inspired stupid-song worked. Don’t ask. Oh, you didn’t ask, did you? Well, enough of that.
As soon as I was close enough, I grabbed Jackie’s arm and pointed it skyward. I decided that I wanted his gun. If he didn’t have it, then he couldn’t use it to shoot me, now could he? Makes sense. So see, maybe I didn’t have super-stupidity after all.
I also didn’t have super strength. Or super ability-to-not-get-knocked-out. One minute, I saw his free arm coming towards me out of the corner of my eye. The next... blackness.
Maybe super-stupidity hadn’t been ruled out after all.
**Insert unconscious blackness!! (3 hours worth)**
“... is exactly why I didn’t want any of you following me,” I vaguely heard someone mutter. I seemed to be drifting into consciousness. And not the dopey, painless kind that comes after being drugged up. (Medical drugs, not illegal drugs. God, what do you think I am??) It was a painful type of consciousness, where your eyes are burning, throat’s dry and head feels like it’s in a vice. No, it was not a happy state of consciousness. Part of me was cheering ‘Yay, I’m not dead’! The rest of me was moaning ‘Give me drugs, dammit! I don’t care what kind!!’
And then I actually did moan. Nothing coherent, I assure you. Couldn’t manage that just yet.
“She’s awake!” cried a voice, and a familiar face loomed over me. “Are you okay?”
I tried saying ‘yes’. Really I did. But what came out of my mouth was more like ‘mgwarft’. Or some other unintelligible sound. No super recuperation abilities for me. No siree Bob. Dangit.
“Are you alright?” asked Meryl, who now joined Millie in looming over me. It almost seemed as though she was concerned for my well-being. Nah. Couldn’t be.
I stifled a groan and rolled my head to the side. “Super power my ass,” I mumbled, still feeling kinda woozy. “Of course I don’t get to choose my super power. No, that would be too easy for me. I, of course, get stuck with a totally pointless and useless super power. Great.”
“She’s delirious,” announced Millie. Meryl took a damp washcloth and placed it on my forehead. It felt cold, and made me wake up even more. I didn’t like it. Grr. Meryl really does still hate me. Making me all awake and what not. No fun.
“When will this day ever end?” I groaned. “How long was I out for?”
“Three hours,” announced Vash. I glanced over to see him leaning against a wall, looking very unhappy.
“Sorry, guys,” I muttered, feeling stupid and ashamed and useless. If Cordelia had been in this universe, she’d have said that I was the Zeppo... the useless one in the group. And she’d have been right. Heck, I wasn’t even part of the group. I was just kinda there.
“I shouldn’t have let you come,” Vash sighed. “Or I shouldn’t have let you get lost. I’m so sorry, you just shouldn’t have been there.”
“You’re lucky to be alive,” Meryl added softly.
“Not luck,” I muttered. “He had every chance to shoot me, and he didn’t. He probably wouldn’t have even hit me if I hadn’t tried to take his gun from him...”
“You saw him??” Vash demanded, suddenly sitting down at the bedside. He jostled the bed in doing so, and I groaned in protest. “Sorry.” He took the cloth off my face and brushed some stray hairs out of my eyes. Welcome back, warm fuzzies.
“He came down a side street. I was so relieved to see him at first, I thought he’d be able to help us...”
“Do you remember what he looked like?” Meryl interrupted.
“Of course I do. It was Jackie Chan,” I sighed, completely downhearted.
“Who is he?” Millie asked. I didn’t even hear her.
“I can’t believe it... why would Jackie do this?”
“Do you know where we could find him?” Vash demanded.
“I mean... he’s a good guy. He’s a great guy! He’s the coolest...” I rambled on. “And besides, he doesn’t even use guns. He doesn’t need them. He’s a kung fu master, or karate, or something. He just kung fu’s people’s asses... bad people’s asses...”
“Calm down, Theresa, just tell us...”
“Jackie Chan doesn’t use guns!!” I shouted, almost losing it. “It’s wrong! It’s worse than wrong!! IT’S SACRILIGE, DAMMIT!!” I sat up at this last remark, ready to personally hunt down gunman-who-couldn’t-be-Jackie-Chan. How dare he disrespect The Man by impersonating Him and using His image to do wrong. HOW DARE HE?!?! Yes, I was pissed.
“Calm down, Theresa...” Vash repeated, grabbing my arms and trying to make me lie down. “It’s okay...”
“It can’t have been Jackie Chan,” I sniffed. I would not cry... I would not. But, dammit, I was just so upset.
“Maybe not,” Vash conceded. “We’ll get to the bottom of this.”
I had just started feeling a bit better when someone knocked at the door. Everyone jumped, including Vash. Therefore, I must assume that no one was expecting company. Dangit. This couldn’t be good.
Millie and Meryl both got out their guns, rushing to cover the door before Vash could stop them. Millie glanced out the window. Then she turned pale, gasped, and swung the door open. She was outside in a flash, leaving the rest of us confused and worried. Even more so when we heard her choked cry.
“Oh my God!!” she gasped. We could hear another person’s voice, but not what they were saying. So, super hearing was also out. Meryl peeped out the door, her gun held at the ready. Then she, too, gasped and lowered her gun.
“...never dreamed I would see you again. I thought you were dead...” Millie’s voice came floating through the doorway. She started backing into the house. Someone’s hand was clasped in hers. She lead the other into the house, a tall man with dark hair and a cigarette dangling from his lips. Oh... of course. It had to be...
“Nicholas?” Vash demanded, his face both surprised and overjoyed. “But... in the church... how...?”
“I know,” Nicky grinned. “I never expected to make it out of there alive. But then the absolute strangest thing happened.”
Everyone looked at him expectantly, even me. After all, I had been horribly upset when Nicky was (supposedly) killed. I mean, he was cool, he and Millie made a cute couple. And then Millie was really sad. And then I was sad. It just sucked.
“Well,” he continued, “I was lying on the ground, convinced that I would die. And then I heard a car engine outside. Then this girl with short purple hair, turns out her name was Chloe, came into the church. She dragged me into the car, put me in the backseat with some guy named Doyle - who was burned pretty badly - and drove to a nearby hospital. And she had a fork stuck in her chest the whole while. It was pretty impressive! So they fixed up Chloe and I. Doyle had to stay there a bit longer, but last I heard, he was healing really well. The doctors thought he should be just fine.”
“Wow, that’s unbelievable,” Vash gaped.
“I know,” Mille whispered. “It’s a miracle.” Then she hugged Nicky tight, he kissed the top of her head, and there were warm fuzzies all around. It was great. But something was bothering me. That whole story with Chloe sounded vaguely familiar. Oh yeah...
“So Lynnsey was right after all!!” I blurted out without thinking. Once again, I was the object of everyone’s confusion. Four pairs of eyes stared at me, and I’m sure at least a few of these people were ready to commit me to a mental hospital.
“Nicky, this is Theresa,” Vash explained. “I... uh... ran into her earlier.”
“And I have a concussion,” I chirped brightly. “Hence the supposed craziness.”
“That’s odd,” stated a strange voice. “A voice who called herself Lynnsey told me to pick up Doyle and Nicholas and drive to a hospital.”
“Oh... you must be Chloe,” said Meryl, confused and worried about the girl’s mental health.
Well, at least I wasn’t the only one getting strange looks around here. It’s nice not to be alone.
**Insert talking here!! (0.5 hours worth)**
“And so this Jackie Chan guy’s been killing people all over March?” asked Nicky.
“NO!!” I shouted. Welcome back, strange looks. “He hasn’t killed anyone.”
“That we know of,” Vash corrected. I like the guy, but I just had to sit there and glare evilly at him. The Great Chan is not a killer! “But quite some time has passed since we last saw him. We don’t know what he’s been up to.”
“So you want to exterminate him?” Chloe asked, sounding uninterested. I knew better. Chloe lived to kill. Strange, n’est-ce pas?
“GOD NO!!” I screeched. “Look, you people just don’t listen! Jackie Chan is a good guy! If it really is him committing these crimes, and not some impostor, then there’s got to be something very wrong with him. And we don’t know that he killed anyone.”
“So says the girl with the concussion,” muttered Meryl. I was right... she still hated me. God, it was just a hug. The girl needed to learn to chill out.
“I’m not sure I agree with Theresa,” Vash mused, “but I definitely don’t agree with killing this Mr. Chan. No one has the right to take another’s life.” At this, Chloe glanced at him out of the corner of her eye and arched an eyebrow. Which, I’m sure meant for her ‘is this guy on crack’? The girl who kills for a living teamed up with the man who won’t even squish spiders (and they deserve to be squished!!)... Hm. This would be interesting.
“But we still have to stop him,” Millie affirmed.
“But not kill him,” I insisted, pouting.
“I don’t intend to,” Vash reassured me. I smiled a bit at this. I knew I could count on him.
“Well, he could still be in March right now,” said Nicky, stretching as he stood up. “We should go looking for him now.
“Right!” Millie smiled at her man and placed a hand on his arm.
“Well, what are we waiting for?” I asked, slipping out of bed. “Let’s go.”
“You’re not coming,” Vash said firmly. “I won’t have you getting hurt again.”
“Thanks for the vote of confidence,” I muttered darkly. “But you’re forgetting one thing: You need me there.”
“Huh?” Meryl said, staring at me in disbelief.
“I’m the only one here who knows what he looks like,” I said, crossing my arms defiantly. On a happier note, at least I could stand up. “How can you stop someone you won’t recognise? Jackie could be standing right beside one of you, and you wouldn’t even know it. He’d get away.”
“I’m inclined to agree,” said Chloe. “We don’t have a picture of the target. We need someone to provide visual confirmation.”
“And that someone is me,” I concluded. Then I fought really hard to refrain from saying ‘so there’ and sticking my tongue out. Call me crazy, but I don’t think acting like a two-year-old would convince them to let me come with.
Vash paused and looked at me intensely. It made me uncomfortable as hell, but I fought the urge to squirm. “Fine,” he finally conceded. “But you’ll stay out of harm’s way. We’ll have look-outs posted throughout March. I saw a watch tower in the town earlier on, you can look for this Mr. Chan from there.”
Sigh. Sitting on the sidelines. Probably for the best. After all, I still hadn’t ruled out super-stupidity as a super power.
**Insert driving in Chloe’s car here!! (0.75 hours worth)**
“Thank God we didn’t have to climb that stupid mountain again,” I sighed. “That would have killed me.”
“You were doing just fine before,” Vash said absentmindedly. He obviously hadn’t been paying attention to the fact that the last time I climbed that mountain, I was gasping and wheezing like a beached whale. Utterly clueless. Typical man.
“Well, here we are,” Chloe announced, putting her red mini-van in park. (Well, what kind of car did you expect, a T-bird or something snazzy like that? When it comes to practicality, nothing beats a mini-van.) I climbed out of the back, binoculars in hand, ready to climb to the top of the watch tower.
“I’ll go with you,” Vash exclaimed, following me out of the van. “Just to make sure it’s safe.” I just nodded, entered a door at the side of the tower and started climbing the stairs.
Vash followed in silence for a few moments. “Theresa?” he asked tentatively.
“Huh?” I grunted, trying to save my breath. Stairs were almost as evil as running.
“I’ve noticed that Meryl’s been a bit... touchy... since you’ve been here.” Hmm... so maybe he wasn’t so utterly oblivious after all. I had to give him credit. “Do you have any idea why?” Or maybe I didn’t.
I stopped on flight of stairs and turned to look at him. “Don’t move,” I said suddenly.
“Huh?”
He was a couple of steps below me. I knew I’d never get a chance like this again, so I took it. “Vash,” I said softly, looking him straight in the eyes...
Then I smacked him upside the head.
“HEY!” he yelled. “What was that for?” Vash glared at me, rubbing the back of his head.
“Typical man,” I muttered, turning my back on him to continue climbing up the stairs.
Vash decided not to ask any more questions. I’d have said he was a smart man, but I think part of me knew better.
The humanoid typhoon decided it would be best for him to take point just before entering the room. That way, he’d be in harms way first. Part of me wanted to protest. The suicidal part of me. I told it to shut the hell up. And lo, it did. Vash stepped into the room, gun drawn. He quickly scanned the vicinity for signs of danger before signalling for me to enter.
I took a couple of steps into the room and paused. “Uh...” I looked at Vash. “How am I supposed to contact you guys if I do see him? Do we have two way radios or something?” Vash stared blankly for a moment, then blushed.
“Whoops,” he said sheepishly. “Um... I don’t think so.”
“Hmm... just wanted to double-check. So, now what? WAIT!! I KNOW!!”
**Insert plot hole here!! (Just assume we manage to contact each other. What?!? Stop thinking. Logic does not apply.)**
**Insert search for Jackie Chan here!! (0.25 hours worth)**
People were starting to come out onto the street, surveying the damage that was done to their homes and shops. This made the task of spotting Jackie much harder. Squinting through the binoculars, I not only had to scan an area, but study everyone I saw to make sure they weren’t Jackie.
“Not Chan,” I muttered, observing a young woman. “Not Chan, not Chan... wait! No, not Chan. BINGO!!” I cried. “North east corner of town, shooting up a church of some kind,” I informed the others. (Remember: plot hole!!)
“Sacrilege!” cried Nicky, outraged. The man kills almost without regret, yet can’t stand to see a place of worship damaged. Well, no one ever said he was consistent.
I don’t know why, but I just had to say: “You keep on using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means,” smirking to myself all the while.
“Huh?!?” he asked.
“Concussion!” I reminded him cheerily.
“Oh.”
“We’re going in to kill him,” Chloe said softly.
“NO!!” Vash and I cried at the same time. “Not kill!” Vash insisted.
“We won’t,” Meryl reassured him.
“By the way, Vash,” I started, “Meryl’s been in a pissy mood because she saw us hugging. She really cares about you, and I think is really jealous of me. But I told her she has nothing to worry about.”
“Oh,” he exclaimed. I could just picture a light bulb going off above his head. “I didn’t know that. Wow... uh... I really don’t think of you that way... no offence,” he added hastily. “But... why are you telling me this now?”
“Why not?” I countered, for lack of a better answer.
“Point well taken. Well, we’re going to take him down now. We’ll come get you when it’s all over.”
“Great,” I said. Left behind once again. I continued looking through the binoculars, just to make sure I wouldn’t lose him. Then, I caught a glimpse of someone moving near Jackie. Someone that I recognised.
“AHA!!” I cried. “Well, my dears, it seems there’s a much greater evil afoot.” It seemed that my last comment went unheard, or at least ignored, for no one responded. “Don’t worry, Jackie. I’ll save you,” I vowed, turning to run out of the room. I had to get there before it was too late.
Meanwhile, in the North east corner of town...
“You’re surrounded,” Millie stated firmly, pointing her gun at the man. “We don’t want to hurt you. Just put down your weapons.”
“We’re not hurting anyone,” the man stated calmly. Everyone just brushed off his use of the word ‘we’, assuming he was crazy.
“You can’t destroy property like this,” Meryl stated. “Their homes, their shops. We’re from the insurance company, and we’re here to stop you.”
“I’m afraid we can’t allow that.” He looked straight at Meryl. “You’re in our way. Move please.”
“No,” Nicky stated, standing in front of the church. “We can’t let you do this. Put your guns down.”
“No. You’re ruining our plan,” said the man, pouting childishly. “We can’t let you do this.” He turned on Nicky, not quite pointing his gun at the priest. “We don’t want to hurt you...” Nicky tensed and started to turn his gun on Jackie in self defence.
“NOO!!” I rasped, running onto the scene. “You can’t! He doesn’t know what he’s doing. He’s being controlled by forces of EVIL!!”
“Theresa!! Get out of here!!” shouted Millie shrilly. “You’re going to get hurt...”
At that moment, I dove behind a nearby bush. But not for cover, oh no. I was hell bent on causing some damage.
“Ow, you’re pulling my hair,” screeched a female voice.
“You landed on my foot,” shrieked another.
“Stop scratching me, you sissy!!” I hissed.
“You should talk, hair puller!” Complained the first voice. The group of gunmen and gunwomen stood there, completely baffled. They alternated between looking at the bush in bewilderment and glancing suspiciously at Jackie, who was now, inexplicably, standing totally still.
“Here’s the real evil!!” I exclaimed triumphantly, dragging two people out of the bushes by their hair. No, my super power isn’t fighting or kick-asserie. I am rather ashamed to admit that I was very close to getting my ass kicked. As it was, I was going to have bruises and scratches in the morning. Plus, I’d probably need a rabies shot.
The group just stared at the people I had vanquished. “So, they’re evil clones?” asked Nicky, looking dubiously at the young ladies.
“Worse,” I said grimly. “It’s Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen!!” I don’t know what I was expecting... maybe a collective, scandalized gasp. Maybe some dramatic music... you know... *Da dum duuuuuuuuummmmmmm!!* All I got was blank stares. Then I remembered, these people knew nothing of my world. “They’re evil,” I said calmly, kind of like how you’d explain to a child that eating dirt is bad for you. “They have their sights on world domination through crappy T.V. shows and ugly clothing chains.”
“And children’s toothpaste!” Mary Kate chirped triumphantly.
“Shut up!!” hissed Ashley.
“Wait,” I said suspiciously. “What about the toothpaste??”
“Yeah,” Chloe chimed in menacingly. “What about the toothpaste??”
“Uh... shutting up!” Mary Kate exclaimed nervously. Everyone just glared at her evilly. Well, except Jackie. He was still zoned out. “Uh... it’sreallyamindcontroldevice!!” she blurted out. Some people just can’t handle pressure.
“I KNEW IT!!” I shouted, pointing an accusing finger at the bopsie twins. “I knew you’re products were evil. Especially the toothpaste.”
“And that’s how you’re controlling this Jackie Chan.” Vash, of all people, was putting two and two together. I almost smiled, but I was still pissed at the teeny-bopper twins. Really pissed. “But why? Why bring him here and have him destroy March?”
“Do you really think partial-domination of our world is really enough for us?” demanded Ashley, striking the classic defiant, teeny-bopper pose. Call me crazy, but I just couldn’t take these two very seriously as criminal master minds. “We heard about this world, and decided to try our luck here.”
“But your world doesn’t have a market based on crappy pop-culture, like ours does,” Mary Kate cut in. Her carbon copy sent her a scathing glance.
“You don’t have televisions, barely have radio,” Ashley went on. “Our shows wouldn’t have sold here. And there’s no way we could have marketed clothing, dolls, board games and toothpaste without first establishing, through television, that we are cute, charming, happening young ladies.” She flicked her red hair out of her face. “You can’t rule this world through marketing, you have to do it by force. And that’s where Jackie came in.”
“So you gave him your mind-control toothpaste to make him do your dirty work,” Nicky elaborated. “Not very fair.”
“Wait a sec... we have this toothpaste back home,” I said, slightly frightened. “Why haven’t you taken over the minds of all the kids who use it every night before bed?”
“Hmph!” Ashley snorted. “Who wants to control little kids? Besides, you need a concentrated dose of the toothpaste to get the full effects.”
“Yeah. We forced-fed it to Jackie,” Mary Kate explained. Then she shut up.
“That’s just evil!!” I glowered at them. “You are both evil and should die HORRIBLY!!”
“That can be arranged,” said a gentle voice. Everyone (except Jackie) turned to look at it’s source.
“KNIVES!! What are you doing here??” exclaimed Vash.
“I was out for a walk. Then I heard about what was going on here.”
“I won’t let you hurt my friends,” Vash menaced, getting into a shooting stance. “I’ll hurt you if I have to.”
“I don’t intend to,” Knives said coolly. “It occurred to me I was being a bit neurotic. That I had issues. So I’ve been going to a counsellor, having group meetings, reading ’Chicken Soup for the genocidal gunman’s soul’, stuff like that. But I have to agree with the strange girl. These two are evil. They deserve to die.”
“No, they don’t,” Vash said. Standing behind him, I mouthed to Knives ’Yes, they really do’. Then I had a great idea.
“Oh my God, Vash!!” I screeched. “Look. Someone’s stepping on a spider!!”
“Where? Where?!?!?!” demanded Vash.
“Over there,” I pointed vaguely. “Go save it!!” The instant Vash ran off to the rescue, I looked at Knives. “Okay, shoot them.”
“Oh, he couldn’t,” said Ashley defiantly.
“Yeah, we’re too cute,” Mary Kate chipped in.
Apparently, they were wrong. Knives fired twice with deadly accuracy, and the evil twins were no more. Everyone just stared at him, shocked. “Well, therapy is a progressive process. I’m almost ready to admit that most humans don’t deserve to be killed. But those two did.” Then he looked around at the group. “Does anyone have a problem with that?” he asked mildly.
It seemed that no one did. Really. They weren’t just humouring the madman. They were all secretly rooting for the twins’ deaths.
Suddenly, Vash came running back. “I thought I heard gunshots,” he gasped.
“No, no you didn’t,” Millie lied.
“No gunshots here,” said I.
“Oh. Huh. That’s funny.” Vash scratched his head. Then he saw the twins lying on the ground. “What happened to them? Were they shot?” he asked suspiciously.
“No,” Chloe said.
“They fell on some bullets,” Nicky reassured his friend. “Totally accidental.”
“Oh. Okay then,” said Vash. “By the way, Theresa. There was no spider in danger.”
“Oh. My mistake.” I could hardly keep from grinning. As Vash turned to look at Jackie, we all shared a smile. He fell for it.
“Huh... what’s going on?” demanded Jackie, finally coming to. “Where am I? Who are you people?”
“Vash, Meryl, Millie, Knives, Nicky, Chloe and I’m Theresa,” I explained pointing around. “It’s a long story. Well, not really. The Olsen Twins were bent on conquering this world, brainwashed you with mind-controlling toothpaste and made you do their evil bidding.”
Jackie looked at me and blinked. “I just knew there was something evil about that toothpaste. I could taste it.” Then he paused, and admitted sheepishly, “Or maybe it was just mint.”
“Evil, mint. Who really knows where the line between the two really lies?” I asked philosophically.
“Wow, that was deep,” said Jackie, impressed.
“Well, we saved the day, again. And I guess I no longer have to worry about fighting against someone who is like a brother to me,” Vash exclaimed, nodding towards Knives. “We’re good!” Then he smiled proudly and leaned against the church’s doorframe.
Apparently, even that was too much for the battered building. It collapsed in a cloud of dust, and just barely missed burying Vash beneath a pile rubble. This caused a small shock wave, which in turn caused several severely structurally damaged buildings in the vicinity to tumble as well. Everyone stood shocked and blinking. Except for Vash. He looked absolutely humiliated. “Oops,” he squeaked.
Typical man.
**Insert plot here!! (1 hour worth. Assume that Vash and Kuroneko have been greatly traumatised by me during this time.)**
This is the end.
…considerable damage to the entire town of March. However, I must stress that, contrary to popular opinion, mister Vash the Stampede was not, in fact, entirely responsible for the destruction. Unfortunatly, given his reputation, chaos and destruction happen to follow this man. Therefore, I porpose that…
“Meryl, you spelled ‘propose’ wrong,” I stated absentmindedly, holding an icepack to my face. Stupid brats gave me a black eye. “It‘s p-r-o-p-o-s-e. And you spelled ‘unfortunately’ wrong too.”
“If you want to write this, Theresa…” Meryl snapped, glaring daggers at me (literally! She is an anime character, after all), “… then go right ahead.”
“No, I bloody well don’t want to write it,” I said wearily, plopping down in a chair beside her. “That’s your job, dammit.” For lack of something better to do, I started scanning over what she had written. “Cripes, you have a LOT of spelling mistakes here.” Suddenly, something hit me. An idea, not an object. Or maybe it was that black cat that shows up in every episode. I really couldn’t remember.
Oh yeah, it really was an idea. Fact of the matter was, I shouldn’t have been able to pick out all of these spelling mistakes. Normally, I’m a horrendous speller! I didn’t get it.
Oh, wait. Yes I did. “What the heck?? My super power is spell checking?!?!” Then I looked around the room to see everyone looking at me with those funny confused anime-faces. Well, everyone except Jackie Chan. You can’t anime that face… it’s sacrilegious!! “No, really guys. It makes sense! I mean, usually I can’t spell at all. But now I can! And I’m even correcting Japanese spelling! I mean, I usually can’t even read Japanese!!” And again with the blank, confused expressions. Man, these people just weren’t getting it!!
“Uh… but you just were reading Japanese,” said Jackie. “And… you’ve been speaking it for the past 22 hours and 4 minutes. How is that…?”
“SILENCE!!” I shouted, pounding the table with my fist. “No questions! Just stand there and look pretty!”
Smiling, Jackie stated proudly “I can do that!” And then he struck a manly pose.
“Ooooooohhhh!!” everyone in the room exclaimed, totally awestruck.
“Wait! Hold that pose! Let me get my camera!” I screeched. And I did, and then proceeded to take numerous pictures.
Another pose. And yet another. It was a Jackie-Chan-goodness fest!! “Yeah baby, yeah!” I exclaimed. “You’re an animal. You’re a tiger. Grrr. Yes… yes… yesss… NO!! NO!! And I’m spent,” I sighed, tossing the camera away. “WAIT! I must save that film.” Then I noticed that, with the exception of Jackie, I was, once again, getting the strangest looks from everyone in the room. “Oh, come on! As if you guys wouldn’t have taken advantage of that!!” More scared, worried stares. “Ah, screw that.”
“SIDEWAYS!!” thundered disembodied Carla.
“Uh… can I go home now? I think everyone here is scarred for life now.”
“Well, you still have 5 minutes… you really should stay…”
“NO!!” screamed Vash, totally panicked. “Take her! Please, PLEASE take her. I just can’t take any more of this abuse. And neither can poor Kuroneko!!” he pouted, holding up the poor, traumatised kitty. “Won’t somebody please think of the kitty?!?”
“Well, all right. I’ll take her from you,” Carla consented. “Not that we really want her back either.”
“Screw you, disembodied Carla,” I muttered darkly.
“Sigh. You keep promising, but you never deliver. Much to my delight!! Tee hee! Well, guys, thanks for taking her off our hands for a bit. Toodles!!”
And lo, disembodied Carla did leave. And embodied Theresa did end up in the real, non-Vashy world. And all was good for the anime-pplz. Or was it?? (Note to the readers, I’m in the real world now. My super powerness is now gonified.)
3 minutes later…
The gathering of anime-pplz was still standing dumb-struck, blinking their anime-eyes as though to banish the horrors of the past 23 hours and 59 minutes.
“That was sooo scary,” said Nick, shuddering.
“Yeah, I’m with you man,” agreed Knives.
“Some things truly do deserve to be killed,” stated Vash. “Well, there goes my whole set of ideals.”
“Well, this is just weird, innit?” drawled a strange voice. Everyone turned to look just as a (sexy) leather-clad stranger with platinum blond hair lit up a cigarette. “Has any of you seen a bird named Theresa Beauchemin? It says here I’m supposed to have wild, sweaty sex with her in a sauna,” he stated, holding up a script entitled ’48 Things to do with Chocolate when ur HORNY’, co-written by Lindsey and Tannis. “And actually, I’m kinda looking forward to trying out this thing on page 362,” he stated with a (sexy) wicked grin.
The expressions on the poor anime-pplz faces changed from bewildered to just plain horrified. Well, except Chloe’s. She was too busy drooling (as well she should).
“Uh… well… sh…she just… kinda… l…left,” stuttered Millie.
“DAMN!! Missed her again. CURSE YOU CRUEL FATE!! HOW DARE YOU KEEP US APART?!?!” he cried, shaking his fist at the sky. “No matter. She will be mine. Oh, yes, she will be mine,” he vowed, as he turned on his (sexy) heel and stalked (sexily) out of the room.
At which point, the contingent of anime-pplz started cowering behind a desk.
“Is it over yet?” whined Knives.
“I… don’t…know,” lamented Meryl. “I just don’t know.”
And none of them were ever quite the same. Especially Kuroneko.
***I.O.U 3 hours worth of plot. And Spike sex. Lots of. >; )
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