2004-01-27
STORY:
Disclaimer: This is just a STORY!! Any characters/products/alternate universes/songs/movies etc., etc., that may be mentioned herewithin are used SOLEY for the purpose of this story. I do not claim to own (in part or in whole), advertise, sponser or, hell, sometimes even LIKE (take Cheerios, for instance) any of them. Don't sue, for you will get nothing but dryer lint in return.
One day, Theresa woke up gay. Then she got together with Lynnsey, Carla, Tannis and Chrissy, all of whom -coincidentally - also woke up gay. Then...
My brain: Wait a sec... this isn't the story I wanted to tell.
My fingers: Well, its the story we're typing.
My brain: NO!! You have to stop!!
My fingers: Why? *pout*
My brain: Because... my autobiography has to be written LATER!! Like, after I've done something!
My fingers:... Touché
THE REAL STORY:
Do not adjust your reality. It is perfectly fine. What I have to tell you may shock and horrify you, as it is shockingly horrifying. Then again, some of you may jump up and down in glee. You sick, sick bastards!!
The Theresa Beauchemin you once knew is gone forever, her life's story writes itself anew. Forget everything you knew about this meek, mediocre university student. Except for the fact that she woke up gay. That much is VERY important. While, during the day, her life appears to be more or less unchanged, I assure you this is NOT the case. For after the setting of the sun, when darkness and uncertainty prevail, she suddenly becomes... *drumroll*
SLAP-UPSIDE-THE-HEAD WOMAN!!! Yes, clad in her slap-upping outfit of black sneakers, black pants and a baggy black shirt, SLAP-UPSIDE-THE-HEAD WOMAN (SUTHW) stalks throughout streets and buildings dealing out much needed head-slaps to those who are in need of it. (Hm... was that phrase reduntant?? *rereads* NOPE!! *g*)
'What's so important about that?' You ask in a scoffing manner. 'Even I could slap people upside the head. And my slap-upping outfit would be BETTER than hers.' To which there can be only one reply.
*slaps you upside the head* You have been SLAP-UPSIDED, for you are being stupid and are also insignificant!! Of course you can slap people upside the head... but you are lacking the necessary judgement and SKILLS! *slaps you again* Did you not see the button on my shirt, which clearly says "It just so happens that I possess a real super power. Ask me how!!" Well... go on then... ask me!!
*crickets*
You all suck. *more crickets* Fine. It's not the same way as last time, where I ended up in a Day in the Life of Trigun, gained a super power and didn't bother justifying the cause. I was lazy then. And besides... that was simply a story. This is the real world now. Do you ever really read the back of Cheerio boxes in the morning?? Well, you should. They used to have a very interesting advertisement on the back. It said 'Become a superhero with real superpowers! Send in a million box tops of Cheerios along with $3.99 shipping and handling (U.S funds only), and we'll send you a superpower of your choice. (Allow 3 - 6 weeks for delivery).' Well, we all know that Cheerios can't lie, because they'd get sued so bad that the bee'd have to sell his stripes just to make ends meet for him and his hundreds of offspring. So, afer collecting and mailing in ONE MILLION BOX TOPS *puts pinky finger beside her mouth and smirks evilly* (god, I never want to see another Cheerio again), I got to choose my own superpower.
Now, I bet you the good (or, are they EVIL??) people at Cheerios were expecting that NOBODY would send in a million boxtops. And on the VERY unlikely chance that someone actually WOULD be that insanely crack-pottish, I'm sure they were expecting to receive simple, run-of-the-mill superpower requests such as invisibility or superhuman strength or spellchecking (no, that's NOT what I chose, although there's nothing wrong with it). They obviously were greviously unprepared for Me and My insane whims. Ladies and gents... now it is time to unveil my SPIFFY new superpower.
*drumroll. Tugs on braided cord attached to a dark read curtain. Nothing happens* Damn cord. *Tugs again* Damn curtain. *Tugs again* Damn homocidal rogue socks. Eh... who cares about the stupid curtaing. You all know there's nothing behind it... especially not my superpower. Ok... here goes. My superpower is...
The ability to transport myself to any time or place, fictional or real, and enter any situation in any book, fanfic, tv. show, movie, comic book etc. etc. etc. of my choosing, whenever I want, so I can do my good work. And what exactly is that good work. *Delivers you a slap-upping* DAMNIT, I ALREADY TOLD YOU. To find people, fictional or real, and deliver them a (or several, depending on the person) smack-upping as punishment for any stupid, wrong, mean, spiteful, cowardly, whiny, good-intentioned-but-got-shot-all-to-hell thing they may have done, said, thought, implied etc., in order to show them the error of their ways! BUAHAHAHA!! No one is safe.
For those of you who are thinking 'What about Theresa?? She's done some really slap-upping worthy things lately... so who's going to deliver HER some much needed slap-uppings??' I have only one answer for that.
I peridocially deliver slap-uppings to myself, just to be fair. Like I said... NO ONE is safe. Not even if you're already DEAD!!
BUAHAHAHA!!
Have a nice night, boys and girls.
Disclaimer: This is just a STORY!! Any characters/products/alternate universes/songs/movies etc., etc., that may be mentioned herewithin are used SOLEY for the purpose of this story. I do not claim to own (in part or in whole), advertise, sponser or, hell, sometimes even LIKE (take Cheerios, for instance) any of them. Don't sue, for you will get nothing but dryer lint in return.
One day, Theresa woke up gay. Then she got together with Lynnsey, Carla, Tannis and Chrissy, all of whom -coincidentally - also woke up gay. Then...
My brain: Wait a sec... this isn't the story I wanted to tell.
My fingers: Well, its the story we're typing.
My brain: NO!! You have to stop!!
My fingers: Why? *pout*
My brain: Because... my autobiography has to be written LATER!! Like, after I've done something!
My fingers:... Touché
THE REAL STORY:
Do not adjust your reality. It is perfectly fine. What I have to tell you may shock and horrify you, as it is shockingly horrifying. Then again, some of you may jump up and down in glee. You sick, sick bastards!!
The Theresa Beauchemin you once knew is gone forever, her life's story writes itself anew. Forget everything you knew about this meek, mediocre university student. Except for the fact that she woke up gay. That much is VERY important. While, during the day, her life appears to be more or less unchanged, I assure you this is NOT the case. For after the setting of the sun, when darkness and uncertainty prevail, she suddenly becomes... *drumroll*
SLAP-UPSIDE-THE-HEAD WOMAN!!! Yes, clad in her slap-upping outfit of black sneakers, black pants and a baggy black shirt, SLAP-UPSIDE-THE-HEAD WOMAN (SUTHW) stalks throughout streets and buildings dealing out much needed head-slaps to those who are in need of it. (Hm... was that phrase reduntant?? *rereads* NOPE!! *g*)
'What's so important about that?' You ask in a scoffing manner. 'Even I could slap people upside the head. And my slap-upping outfit would be BETTER than hers.' To which there can be only one reply.
*slaps you upside the head* You have been SLAP-UPSIDED, for you are being stupid and are also insignificant!! Of course you can slap people upside the head... but you are lacking the necessary judgement and SKILLS! *slaps you again* Did you not see the button on my shirt, which clearly says "It just so happens that I possess a real super power. Ask me how!!" Well... go on then... ask me!!
*crickets*
You all suck. *more crickets* Fine. It's not the same way as last time, where I ended up in a Day in the Life of Trigun, gained a super power and didn't bother justifying the cause. I was lazy then. And besides... that was simply a story. This is the real world now. Do you ever really read the back of Cheerio boxes in the morning?? Well, you should. They used to have a very interesting advertisement on the back. It said 'Become a superhero with real superpowers! Send in a million box tops of Cheerios along with $3.99 shipping and handling (U.S funds only), and we'll send you a superpower of your choice. (Allow 3 - 6 weeks for delivery).' Well, we all know that Cheerios can't lie, because they'd get sued so bad that the bee'd have to sell his stripes just to make ends meet for him and his hundreds of offspring. So, afer collecting and mailing in ONE MILLION BOX TOPS *puts pinky finger beside her mouth and smirks evilly* (god, I never want to see another Cheerio again), I got to choose my own superpower.
Now, I bet you the good (or, are they EVIL??) people at Cheerios were expecting that NOBODY would send in a million boxtops. And on the VERY unlikely chance that someone actually WOULD be that insanely crack-pottish, I'm sure they were expecting to receive simple, run-of-the-mill superpower requests such as invisibility or superhuman strength or spellchecking (no, that's NOT what I chose, although there's nothing wrong with it). They obviously were greviously unprepared for Me and My insane whims. Ladies and gents... now it is time to unveil my SPIFFY new superpower.
*drumroll. Tugs on braided cord attached to a dark read curtain. Nothing happens* Damn cord. *Tugs again* Damn curtain. *Tugs again* Damn homocidal rogue socks. Eh... who cares about the stupid curtaing. You all know there's nothing behind it... especially not my superpower. Ok... here goes. My superpower is...
The ability to transport myself to any time or place, fictional or real, and enter any situation in any book, fanfic, tv. show, movie, comic book etc. etc. etc. of my choosing, whenever I want, so I can do my good work. And what exactly is that good work. *Delivers you a slap-upping* DAMNIT, I ALREADY TOLD YOU. To find people, fictional or real, and deliver them a (or several, depending on the person) smack-upping as punishment for any stupid, wrong, mean, spiteful, cowardly, whiny, good-intentioned-but-got-shot-all-to-hell thing they may have done, said, thought, implied etc., in order to show them the error of their ways! BUAHAHAHA!! No one is safe.
For those of you who are thinking 'What about Theresa?? She's done some really slap-upping worthy things lately... so who's going to deliver HER some much needed slap-uppings??' I have only one answer for that.
I peridocially deliver slap-uppings to myself, just to be fair. Like I said... NO ONE is safe. Not even if you're already DEAD!!
BUAHAHAHA!!
Have a nice night, boys and girls.
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