2004-01-31
Today's Topic: STORY TIME!!!
"So, what did you guys figure out from the wounds on the body, Fred?" asked Angel as he brooded behind his desk.
"Basically, that this monster's really strong to have been able to inflict that kind of damage," she replied. Placing her glasses on, she rifled through a folder. "The slash marks were inflicted with really nasty claws. But there were also some ancient runes burned into the victim's skin."
"Any headway on that, Wesely?" Angel inquired.
"As of this moment, no." The former watcher frowned in frustration. "At first, they appeared to be ancient sanskrit writing, but that whole theory got shot to hell."
"One thing's for sure... this monster is serious bad news," Gunn stated. "We should kill it as quickly as possible."
Spike, having chosen that exact moment to saunter into the room, collapsed his leather-clad form onto an equally leather-clad couch and smirked. "Thank you, Mr. Obvious. Why, you've saved us all!! Horray!" Everyone looked at him. "You got that I was being sarcastic... right?"
"Get out of here, Spike," Angel snapped dismissivly. "Can't you see we have more important things to... Excuse me?? Who are you and what are you doing here??" he inquired, looking over at a complete stranger standing in his doorway. Without a single word of explaination, the interloper made her way across his office and behind his desk. Suddenly...
*SMACK*
"Ow!!" Angel yelped. He had a seriously pissed-off expression on his face. "What was that for??" The others, all of them utterly confused, just stood and stared at this odd individual. Except for Spike. He was still busy laughing at his sire.
It has started... it's too late to go back now. SLAP-UPSIDE-THE-HEAD-WOMAN stood in the face of her first, and therefore deadliest as of yet, nemisis. But her staunch courage and sense of right would not allow her to back down now. The job wasn't pretty, but someone had to do it. She stared down her adversary and stated cooly...
"Surely, you concede, you deserved that." I put my hands on my hips and glared at him.
"Uh... why?" He looked around for help, but no one offered any. Spike was still too busy laughing.
"Because you whine too much, sit and brood too much. And your hair is REALLY stupid," I remarked. "Someone had to do it."
"'Bout bloody time!" muttered Spike.
"Uh... I really think," Wesely started. Suddenly...
*SMACK*
"Ow!"
"That's for not telling Fred how you feel about her."
"But I told..."
*SMACK*
"You IMPLIED it," I grumped. "It's not the same. And stop bitching about the fact that you killed a robot that looked like your father. It WASN'T your father, dammit. Your real father would never have put you in that situation. So shut up about it!"
Then, out of the corner of her eye, our hero notices another of her nemisiseseseses... stupid word...
"But enough of that. You're being bloody stupid, Wesely, as far as these matters are concerned. Anyways, Fred finally really does realise that you're crazy about her."
*SMACK*
"Muh?!?" yelped Fred in surprise and pain.
"You're crazy about him. You know it. You're just being all indecisive and coy and STUPID!! Just hook up with him already and save yourselves a lot of trouble!"
At which point, Gunn decides to interject. "Uh... you realise this is my ex-girlfriend and my friend your talking about?"
*SMACK*
"Not that it matters, really," he amended sheepishly. "Don't care that much."
"No, this is for letting Wolfram and Hart screw around with your brain. Moron," I sniffed dismissively.
"Uh... why is no one stopping her from hitting us?" Lorne piped up finally.
"Because this is bloody funny!" Spike grinned.
"Yep!" I chirpped. Then I made my way over to the couch.
"Hold it there, ducks," Spike warned, jumping up from the couch. "Unlike these bloody pansies, I'm not going to sit here and let you slap me 'round."
"Actually, that wasn't really on my mind," I said calmly. Then I blushed, my cool demenor melting away like a snowman in hell. "I just wanted a hug. You're so hot."
He blinked for a moment, then smirked. "Don't see why not." He held out a hand to me, and just then Angel interrupted.
"Is my hair really stupid??" he whimpered, with a kicked-puppy look on his face.
"YES!" Spike and I shouted together. "Now shut up and let me hug Spike!!" I stepped into him, wrapping my arms around him and snuggling into his chest for a moment.
"Yep. You certainly give good hug."
"And don't you forget it, ducks."
Of course, stupid Lorne had to bring me back to reality by saying, "Uh... that was cute and disturbing and confusing."
*SMACK*
"That's for ruining my hug. And stop fucking around with your sleep!"
"Ow."
"Hey, boss? What's going on in here?" Harmony stepped in. Was it just me, or was it getting blonder in here?? Well, since she was here.
I only half heard Angel answering "I really don't know" as I walked towards Miss Vampirically Blonde. She was ignoring me at the moment, which gave me the perfect opportunity to strike.
*SMACK*
"OUCH!" she shrieked. "Hey, boss, she hit me!!"
"That's for whining too much and moping around about no one appreciating you. You have to work hard to earn appreciation. And if that doesn't work then you just go to your boss, smack him upside the head and say to him 'Look here, bitch, it's about time you paid me some goddamned respect around here. RESPECT MY FUCKING AUTHORITAH!!' And then you smack him upside the head again and threaten to quit!!"
Everyone just looked at me and blinked. "Hey, do you think that would really work??" the vampiress whispered conspiratorly.
"As long as your boss doesn't stake you. I'm still alive and kicking, so I think chances for you are pretty good!" Harmony pulled away with a thoughtful look on her face. I, for one, was really amazed that she could manage such a look.
"Well," I said, surveying the room. "Is there anyone else I have to smack? Maybe that guy Fred works with in the lab, but I don't feel like looking for him. Well, my work here is done." I walked up to Spike and gave him another brief hug. So I couldn't help myself. He's my Kryptonite. Plus, you can feel his abs through his shirt. Major grins for me!!
"Bye cutie!" I said as I pulled away.
"Bye ducks. Thanks for brightening my day," he grinned.
"No problem."
*SMACK*
"BLOODY 'ELL!!" He roared. "What was that for??"
I shrugged, even though he was tossing me a murderous glare. "Sorry, hun, but you deserved it. It is my sacred duty to dole out smacks to those who are deserving, regardless of how much I like them."
"Sacred duty??" Wesely asked. "Wha..."
"Well, not really. But it sounds a lot better than just saying that I do simply because I want to and I can."
Spike rubbed his head. "Still," he asked petuntantly, "What was that for??"
"Stop fucking around with Harmony's feelings. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some more people to smack upside the head. Bye all!" I waved cheerily and dashed out of the room.
"What the hell was that??" Gunn asked, scratching his head.
"I REALLY don't want to know," Fred sighed. "Let's just forget this ever happened."
"Is my hair REALLY stupid??"
"YES IT BLOODY IS, YOU POOF!!"
*** In next week's adventures, SMACK-UPSIDE-THE-HEAD-WOMAN travels to America to dole out smacks to George Bush, current president of the United States. I'll also try to get everyone who voted for him. Wish me luck!! *smiles, winks and gives the camera the thumbs-up sign*
Hm... that sucked.
"So, what did you guys figure out from the wounds on the body, Fred?" asked Angel as he brooded behind his desk.
"Basically, that this monster's really strong to have been able to inflict that kind of damage," she replied. Placing her glasses on, she rifled through a folder. "The slash marks were inflicted with really nasty claws. But there were also some ancient runes burned into the victim's skin."
"Any headway on that, Wesely?" Angel inquired.
"As of this moment, no." The former watcher frowned in frustration. "At first, they appeared to be ancient sanskrit writing, but that whole theory got shot to hell."
"One thing's for sure... this monster is serious bad news," Gunn stated. "We should kill it as quickly as possible."
Spike, having chosen that exact moment to saunter into the room, collapsed his leather-clad form onto an equally leather-clad couch and smirked. "Thank you, Mr. Obvious. Why, you've saved us all!! Horray!" Everyone looked at him. "You got that I was being sarcastic... right?"
"Get out of here, Spike," Angel snapped dismissivly. "Can't you see we have more important things to... Excuse me?? Who are you and what are you doing here??" he inquired, looking over at a complete stranger standing in his doorway. Without a single word of explaination, the interloper made her way across his office and behind his desk. Suddenly...
*SMACK*
"Ow!!" Angel yelped. He had a seriously pissed-off expression on his face. "What was that for??" The others, all of them utterly confused, just stood and stared at this odd individual. Except for Spike. He was still busy laughing at his sire.
It has started... it's too late to go back now. SLAP-UPSIDE-THE-HEAD-WOMAN stood in the face of her first, and therefore deadliest as of yet, nemisis. But her staunch courage and sense of right would not allow her to back down now. The job wasn't pretty, but someone had to do it. She stared down her adversary and stated cooly...
"Surely, you concede, you deserved that." I put my hands on my hips and glared at him.
"Uh... why?" He looked around for help, but no one offered any. Spike was still too busy laughing.
"Because you whine too much, sit and brood too much. And your hair is REALLY stupid," I remarked. "Someone had to do it."
"'Bout bloody time!" muttered Spike.
"Uh... I really think," Wesely started. Suddenly...
*SMACK*
"Ow!"
"That's for not telling Fred how you feel about her."
"But I told..."
*SMACK*
"You IMPLIED it," I grumped. "It's not the same. And stop bitching about the fact that you killed a robot that looked like your father. It WASN'T your father, dammit. Your real father would never have put you in that situation. So shut up about it!"
Then, out of the corner of her eye, our hero notices another of her nemisiseseseses... stupid word...
"But enough of that. You're being bloody stupid, Wesely, as far as these matters are concerned. Anyways, Fred finally really does realise that you're crazy about her."
*SMACK*
"Muh?!?" yelped Fred in surprise and pain.
"You're crazy about him. You know it. You're just being all indecisive and coy and STUPID!! Just hook up with him already and save yourselves a lot of trouble!"
At which point, Gunn decides to interject. "Uh... you realise this is my ex-girlfriend and my friend your talking about?"
*SMACK*
"Not that it matters, really," he amended sheepishly. "Don't care that much."
"No, this is for letting Wolfram and Hart screw around with your brain. Moron," I sniffed dismissively.
"Uh... why is no one stopping her from hitting us?" Lorne piped up finally.
"Because this is bloody funny!" Spike grinned.
"Yep!" I chirpped. Then I made my way over to the couch.
"Hold it there, ducks," Spike warned, jumping up from the couch. "Unlike these bloody pansies, I'm not going to sit here and let you slap me 'round."
"Actually, that wasn't really on my mind," I said calmly. Then I blushed, my cool demenor melting away like a snowman in hell. "I just wanted a hug. You're so hot."
He blinked for a moment, then smirked. "Don't see why not." He held out a hand to me, and just then Angel interrupted.
"Is my hair really stupid??" he whimpered, with a kicked-puppy look on his face.
"YES!" Spike and I shouted together. "Now shut up and let me hug Spike!!" I stepped into him, wrapping my arms around him and snuggling into his chest for a moment.
"Yep. You certainly give good hug."
"And don't you forget it, ducks."
Of course, stupid Lorne had to bring me back to reality by saying, "Uh... that was cute and disturbing and confusing."
*SMACK*
"That's for ruining my hug. And stop fucking around with your sleep!"
"Ow."
"Hey, boss? What's going on in here?" Harmony stepped in. Was it just me, or was it getting blonder in here?? Well, since she was here.
I only half heard Angel answering "I really don't know" as I walked towards Miss Vampirically Blonde. She was ignoring me at the moment, which gave me the perfect opportunity to strike.
*SMACK*
"OUCH!" she shrieked. "Hey, boss, she hit me!!"
"That's for whining too much and moping around about no one appreciating you. You have to work hard to earn appreciation. And if that doesn't work then you just go to your boss, smack him upside the head and say to him 'Look here, bitch, it's about time you paid me some goddamned respect around here. RESPECT MY FUCKING AUTHORITAH!!' And then you smack him upside the head again and threaten to quit!!"
Everyone just looked at me and blinked. "Hey, do you think that would really work??" the vampiress whispered conspiratorly.
"As long as your boss doesn't stake you. I'm still alive and kicking, so I think chances for you are pretty good!" Harmony pulled away with a thoughtful look on her face. I, for one, was really amazed that she could manage such a look.
"Well," I said, surveying the room. "Is there anyone else I have to smack? Maybe that guy Fred works with in the lab, but I don't feel like looking for him. Well, my work here is done." I walked up to Spike and gave him another brief hug. So I couldn't help myself. He's my Kryptonite. Plus, you can feel his abs through his shirt. Major grins for me!!
"Bye cutie!" I said as I pulled away.
"Bye ducks. Thanks for brightening my day," he grinned.
"No problem."
*SMACK*
"BLOODY 'ELL!!" He roared. "What was that for??"
I shrugged, even though he was tossing me a murderous glare. "Sorry, hun, but you deserved it. It is my sacred duty to dole out smacks to those who are deserving, regardless of how much I like them."
"Sacred duty??" Wesely asked. "Wha..."
"Well, not really. But it sounds a lot better than just saying that I do simply because I want to and I can."
Spike rubbed his head. "Still," he asked petuntantly, "What was that for??"
"Stop fucking around with Harmony's feelings. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some more people to smack upside the head. Bye all!" I waved cheerily and dashed out of the room.
"What the hell was that??" Gunn asked, scratching his head.
"I REALLY don't want to know," Fred sighed. "Let's just forget this ever happened."
"Is my hair REALLY stupid??"
"YES IT BLOODY IS, YOU POOF!!"
*** In next week's adventures, SMACK-UPSIDE-THE-HEAD-WOMAN travels to America to dole out smacks to George Bush, current president of the United States. I'll also try to get everyone who voted for him. Wish me luck!! *smiles, winks and gives the camera the thumbs-up sign*
Hm... that sucked.
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