This blog will suck

Sunday night, and a vague, irritating thought lingers at the back of my mind. It's called homework, and the fact that I really should be doing it. The thought refuses to leave, so I kill it... drown it in alchol like that Tequila worm. That's right, homework-thought... you die now!!

Having slain the cursed thought, I sit down on my bed, pick up my book and continue to read. Engrossed in the story, my brow creases in a mixture of anger and annoyance. The reading continues, as does my agitated state of mind. Finally, I yell out loud "Curse you, Umbridge!! How I hate you so!! And Harry... really, kid, how many hissy fits do you really need to have during this book?? The truth is, all of you, in your own special way, is annoying and stupid and rightly deserves to be BITCHED SLAPPED and have some sense knocked into you!! Man... I so wish I could just leap into the story, track you all down and smack you upside the head. If only I had the power..." Then it hit me. I really do have the power. I could so totally go into the world of Harry Potter and smack them all!!

My look of rage slowly melts away, only to be replaced by a look of evil cunning. My eyes narrow evilly, an evil smile slowly spreads across my evil face. A small voice inside of me protests that I should go and find a thesaurus, but I kill it because I'm evil.

Next moment I find my evil self inside Grimuwald place standing on a staircase. I only have a few seconds to take in the surroundings, creaky and dusty wooden floor, mouldy wall hangings, dark depressing interior, before someone trips in the hallway and a cataphony of noise breaks out.

"INGRATEFUL TRAITOR SON!!" screeches an ugly voice. "TRAITORS AND MUDBLOODS AND FILTH IN MY HOUSE!!" I shut my eyes and clap my hands over my ears to block out the noise. I open my eyes in time to see several harried people rush up the stairs, stop dead in their tracks, and then look at me in confusion.

"Why don't you just take a bloody Bic to the bitch?!?" I yell.

"What the... who the...?" demandes a frazzled Mrs Weasley.

"A Bic!!" I explain. "A lighter! Just set the wench on fire, dammit!!"

"SET ME ON FIRE?!?! YOU MUGGLE FILTH!! HOW DARE YOU..."

"SHUT UP WOMAN!!" I roar, stalking up to the screeching painting. I hit the thing where the woman's face is and, miracle of miracles, she stopped yelling, a stunned look on her face. "Huh," I mutter in amazement as two men (Black and Lupin, I assume) rush up to close the hangings over the portrait. "I can slap paintings. How cool is that?"

"Who are you??" Black demanded, turning on me with an angry look on his face. "How did you get into my home??"

"Long story... too long to explain. Let's just say that I dropped in because I have something important to do. Not part of the Order, 'cause I don't think Muggles can join. Not supporting Voldemort (everyone suddered) because, frankly, I think he sucks and I'm rooting for him to die. Prefferably suffocating in a pile of Hippogriff excrements..."

"Say... that's not a bad idea," Black commented.

"... yeah... you guys should try to arrange that. But anyways... it's November, right? Kids are off at school?"

"Yes, though I don't see why that matters," Mrs Weasely repplied, still perplexed.

"It matters for continuety's sake. Now, sorry you guys have to see this, but..." I walked up to Black while talking.

**SMACK!!**

"OW!!" roared Black. He held the back of his head and glared at me with a murderous look in his eyes. If I hadn't known that he was wrongly accused for all those deaths, I'da been scared. Heck, I'd have been scared anyways if I didn't have the magical powers of Cheerios brand Immortality tm to keep me safe.

"You deserved that," I stated coolly as Lupin and Mrs Weasley gawked at me. "Getting all pissy at Harry after he told you he didn't want you meeting him in Hogsmead. I don't know if you realise this, Sirius, but the boy cares about you. You mean a lot to him... and not as a 'mate'. He already has a handful of great friends at school. He likes you a lot, but he looks up to you as a sort of parental figure, someone to guide him and help to make the world make sense. I know he'd love for you to have a normal life, to be able to be seen in public without having every witch and wizard rush to phone the Dementor Hotline (I saw them exchange some confused looks at this). He's like nothing more than to be able to hang out with you in Hogsmead, practice Quidditch with you in the summers, go walking down the street and, hell, just write to you without having to worry every second that you're going to be caught and dragged off to Azkaban... or worse, end up in a snogging session with a Dementor. Do you even realise exactly how much you mean to Harry and what it would do to him if he had to lose you too?"

At the beginning of my little barrage, Sirius had looked defiante, had even opened his mouth a few times to interrupt. I didn't let him though... just kept on talking. Meaningful glares from both Lupin and Mrs Weasley helped in making Black hold his tounge. As I kept talking, he looked more and more abashed.

"I know you miss James," I continued gently, lifting his chin and forcing him to look me in the eyes. "I'll never understand how much you miss him or how much it killed you to be accused for his death... but I know that you did miss him and that you want your friend back. Harry isn't just a continuation of James, he's not a younger version of your old friend. Harry Potter is a young boy who has lost so much during his life, and has gained a godfather who has brought so much hope and joy to his life. James is gone forever, and you can't treat Harry like his father. You can't only care about the boy because of who you want him to be... you have to care about him because of who he is. If you don't, Harry will realise this, and he'll be resentful of the fact that you want him to be James."

Sirius jerked his head away from me, refusing to look at me. Mrs Weasley stood in the background with tears in her eyes, Lupin shifted uncomfortably, his eyes darting from the ceiling to the floor to the walls, anywhere but at myself and his friend. Black stared resolutely at the floor.

"I know," he croaked softly. He cleared his throat. "I know all of this... but it's so hard. I look at Harry and... he really looks so much like James. Even acts so much like him at times. I know he's not his father... but I wish I could have with Harry what I had with James. I wish he could replace his father. You don't understand what I went through... seeing my best friend in the world lying lifeless in the rubble of what used to be his home, and knowing it was my fault."

"No, I don't", I whispered. I put my hand on his shoulder. "But you have to understand that what I'm saying is true. You're the answer to so many of Harry's prayers... someone like him that he can confide in, that he can trust, a link to his past. It's not fair for you to want him to be someone he's not... someone who's gone." Sirius sniffed, his face hidden behind his long, black hair. "Aw... honey," I drew him into a hug. "I know you're hurt, and I'm sorry I had to smack you and tell you everything you didn't want to hear, but you have to understand."

"I know," he whispered. "Well... I should..." he headed down the corridor, not looking at anyone as he passed.

"Wow," I said, looking at him leave. "That was tougher than I thought." At that moment, as tears stared burning behind my eyes, I hated how sensitive I was to other people's pain.

"So," Mrs Weasley said awkwardly, "you just came here to hit at him and yell at him?"

I turned around, pasting a lopsided grin on my face. "I perfer to think of my job as 'enlightenment with physical reinforcement'." Lupin snorted slightly in amusement. Or disgust. Hm... I'll go with amusement. "I mean, people really need to see the truth about how stupid or irritating or, in this case, blind they're being. And sometimes, well, okay, always, they need a smack upside the head to get their attention. But I've never had anything like..." I trailed off, glancing at where Black had left. "Well... I'm kinda new at this."

Lupin smiled kindly and ran a hand through his greying hair. "Well, you had Sirius dead-on. He's been kind of... confused... about his relationship with Harry."

"Yeah... I'd noticed. And so has Harry, I think."

"So, is he the only one you had to smack?" Mrs Weasley asked in a strained joking voice.

"Well..." I thought for a moment. "Mrs Weasley, I really like you, but I think you sorta deserved a smack. Fred and George," the witch looked pale and turned away. "you can't keep getting after them to be more like their older brothers. You can't keep comparing them to the others, because they're just nothing like Bill or Charlie or... the other one," I finished evasively, well aware of how painful it was for her whenever Percy was brought up. "I know you love them, but I think they may be a bit resentful at times because they think that, in your eyes, they just don't measure up to their brothers. But they still love you, and you love them, I know..." I paused, deep in thought. "No, you really didn't deserve a smack. Just a warning. You're still a wicked-awesome person, and I think you rock." At this, I got another confused look from the witch and wizard before me. "I think you're a great person, and I like you," I clarified.

"Thanks dear," she said in a kindly voice.

"As for you," I turned to Lupin and, I swear to God, he flinched. "No, no... I'm not going to hit you. I actually can't think of an honest reason to smack you upside the head." He gave a relieved sigh at this. "I was just going to say that I think you're a neat person too... my friend Lynnsey actually thinks you're the greatest... and I hope things go better for you."

"Er... thank you."

"Also, on behalf of me and Lynnsey... you need a hug." I wrapped my arms around his shoulder and pressed against him briefly. He stiffened in my arms at first, then, chuckling softly, relaxed, pressed his cheek against the top of my head and squeezed his arms around me lightly.

"You know, I think I really did need a hug," he remarked as we drew apart. "Thank you very much. And say thank you to Lynnsey for me, as well."

"Will do," I chirpped.

"So, you really don't just hit people, you hug as well," remarked Mrs Weasley with a grin.

"Yeah, when the occasion calls for it, I guess. Or when Spike's around." More strange looks. "Long story. So, Mrs Weasley... do you need a hug?" I asked half-jokingly.

"Every one does, dearie," she remarked with a tinge of sadness in her voice. Poor woman, worrying about her husband, nine children, Harry and Hermionie. You had to hand it to her, she was one tough cookie, putting on a brave face for all those people. I hugged her briefly, noticing that she smelled like home-made bread, and ignored her wiping tears from her eyes. She struck me as being too proud to break down in front of a stranger.

"So, wow, my visit here has been a bit longer, and I must admit, a bit sappier than I had intended. I mean, usually I just show up, smack people upside the head, tell them why they deserved it, and then leave."

Mrs Weasley had put her hanky away and was looking more composed, though still a bit red around the eyes. "Well," she said, "you don't have to leave right away. We were just about to have lunch."

"Thanks for the offer, but I really do have to go. I should go home, contemplate doing homework, then not do it. It's really a busy schedual."

"Well," said Lupin, grinning, "feel free to drop by sometime and not smack us around."

"I'll think about it. By the way, tell Sirius I said good-bye, sorry, and hope he's feeling better soon."

"Will do."

"Well, bye all." In an instant I was gone, back in my world and time. My room was still messy, my homework still undone, but I was satisfied with my day's work. I hadn't done much, certainly not as much as I had planned to do in the Harry Potter universe, but I was still happy with myself.

"Ooooh... I totally forgot!!" I slapped myself on the forehead...

* * *

Professor Delores Jane Umbridge sat in her flower-and-kitten-infested office, grinning broadly to herself. Soon, the Potter boy would be here for another night. Tonight, she decided, placing her stubby fingers together, tonight will be the night the boy breaks. He'll realise how futile it is to stand up against me and against the Ministry, how foolish he is to spread such lies. Tonight, I will break him.

"Um... Professor Umbridge?" stated a tentative voice from right outside her office door. The toad-woman looked up, surprised to be hearing a voice that wasn't Potter's.

"What do you want?" she snapped, according only the briefest of glances to the black-clad figure outside her door. "Why aren't you wearing your robes?"

"Long story," said the person. "May I have a quick word with you?" they inquired.

"Make it quick," barked Umbridge, busying herself needlessly with a pile of parchements. "I have work to do." The person strode into the room and halted right before the flower-covered desk.

"Who are you?" Umbridge demanded of the intruder? "What house are you from?"

"Who I am doesn't matter, and I don't have a house. I don't go to this school."

"What...?"

**SMACK**

"You horrible, sick, twisted fucking sadistic bitch!!" I yelled, smacking the back of this woman's head and each side of her face. "You will never understand exactly how much I loath you."

"JUST WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE COMING IN HERE LIKE THIS AND..."

"HOW THE HELL COULD YOU SEND DEMENTORS OUT AFTER POTTER, YOU ARE ONE DEMENTED BLOODY PSYCHOTIC MOMMA AND I HOPE YOU FUCKING DIE!!" I shouted over her indignate screeches. The witch's face had gone from fish belly pale to brick red, and I could tell from the burning, prickling sensation in my face that I was, likewise, lit up like a stop light. I gave the woman a few more slaps for good measure before flipping her the bird and disappearing once more.

"Hmm," I mused, looking down at my hands. "That didn't even sting a bit. I love this invincebility thing. Thank you, Cheerios. And by thank you I mean, I LOATH YOU!" I narrowed my eyes, shaking my fist to the ceiling. I mean, I was never crazy about Cheerios in the first place, but after having gone through two million boxes of the shit just to get my super powers... well, that would be enough to drive anyone fucking feral.

* * *

"I assure you," Dumbledore stated calmly, "it is impossible for anyone to Apparate or Dispparate inside this building."

"Someone did," Umbridge huffed, her face still red, hair messed up, pink bow pratically falling out of her hair. "Someone came into my office, assaulted me, said the most dreadful things to me and then just disappeared."

"Perhaps a student with an Invisibility Cloak," suggested Snape softly.

"However, there is no student in Hogwarts who matches the description you gave us," counterd Professor McGonnagle coolly, "and you yourself were unable to point out the perperatror in the Great Hall during dinner this evening."

"Perhaps a spirit of some sort?" squeaked Professor Flitwick. "A poltergeist or some other such thing?"

"It was too solid to be a poltergeist," Umbridge grinded out, just barely keeping from ranting and raging. "She was an actual person, and she Dispparated from my office."

"Well," replied Dumbledore soothingly, raising his hands in a calming gesture. "we do, indeed, have your description of the perpetrator, and we will be keeping an eye out for her. In the mean time, I suggest everyone remain calm and exercise caution as to avoid falling victim to another horrific 'slapping and yelling' attack. That is all we can do for now, until we can find whoever is behind this attack."

Umbridge made a noise of annoyance and frustration and stormed out of the staff room. The Headmaster gracefully swept out behind her.

"Well," stated McGonnagle, straightening out her robes. "I sincerely hope we do find this person."

"So we can thank them," pipped up Flitwick with a grin on his face.

"I personally would like to shake their hand," drawled Snape, smirking.

McGonnagle allowed herself a small smile. "I think that a great many of us would," she replied, her eyes twinkling.

"Anonymous smacking person," said Flitwick solemnly, "I salute thee!!"

"Here here!!" echoed Snape and McGonnagle.